The Reality of Mental Health with Bella Paige
Show Notes:
TRIGGER WARNING: This episode discusses depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts.
Like brain injury, your mental health is invisible to others and many battling depression often do so in silence. Today host Bella Paige explores the reality of mental health while opening up about her experiences of depression. Bella opens our conversation by acknowledging how difficult it is to talk about mental health, and that we all face a different journey with our mental health. She then discusses her recent feeling of depression before unpacking why it's sometimes necessary to make changes as a first step towards coping. After explaining differences in how her depression manifested in high school, we look at how your mental health can affect how you interact with loved ones. Another difficult subject, we also touch on having suicidal thoughts. Later, Bella shares what she does to strengthen her mental health while highlighting the importance of talking about what you’re going through. As she explains, you’re not meant to ‘go it alone.’ Tune in to hear more of Bella’s insights on overcoming depression.
To skip talk on depression and go straight to tips on how to tell someone close to you that you're struggling please go to 16:07!
Key Points From This Episode:
Bella talks about Brain Injury Awareness Month.
How we often miss the big picture when it comes to mental health.
Acknowledging that we all have a unique relationship with our mental health.
Bella opens up about her recent experience of depression.
How Bella’s high school depression affected her.
When depression leads to suicidal thoughts.
How talking about her depression saved Bella’s life.
The importance of seeking help for your depression.
Hear Bella’s four top solutions that can help you share your mental health with those around you.
Follow Post Concussion Inc on Social Media to stay up to date on the podcast
Transcript - Click to Read
[INTRODUCTION]
[00:00:00] BP: Hi. I’m your host, Bella Paige, and welcome to the Post Concussion Podcast, all about life after experiencing a concussion. Help us make the invisible injury become visible.
The Post Concussion Podcast is strictly an information podcast about concussions and post-concussion syndrome. It does not provide nor substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or another qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have heard on this podcast. The opinions expressed in this podcast are simply intended to spark discussion about concussions and post-concussion syndrome.
[EPISODE]
[00:01:03] BP: Welcome to the Post Concussion Podcast, with myself, Bella Paige, and that's it today, just me. I thought I’d do a little bit of a recap, talk about mental health, and also mention Brain Injury Awareness Month.
So, this month is Brain Injury Awareness Month if you weren't aware, and I think it's really important that this month occurs because it allows us to really help grow the awareness around brain injuries. And there's a lot of people out there doing their best to make this happen. So, thank you for that.
Next, I just want to mention our clothing line, which has four items so far, a hoodie, a crewneck, and two t-shirts plus a bunch of stickers. The black t-shirt is our awareness t-shirt, which says ‘Helping the Invisible Injury Become Visible’ on the back. So, make sure you check that out, as well as our ‘buy me a coffee,’ which will be in the description of this episode, as well as in our show notes. And there's a link on the website. Things like this, buying clothes, joining the membership, or even buying a $3 coffee can make a huge difference to the podcast and the website. Keep going. Because there are quite a few associated costs, like editing, hosting fees, recording equipment, and a lot of other things out there. So, if you do want to help and you really love our work, please check those out, they would make a world of a difference if you want to help out. So thank you so much in advance.
Next, I want to talk a little bit about, well, a lot about mental health today. Because we talk about mental health but we don't actually talk about more than those two words. We say, “Please create awareness about mental health.” But that's not talking about it. Now, that's awesome that that's occurring, and amazing because it's definitely helping lower the stigma around mental health. But we need to talk about mental health to help the ones suffering and the ones who aren't, understand better. But we're missing the big picture here.
I didn't start like this. I couldn't just talk about my mental health that long ago. If you would ask me, I would have brushed it off and not told you anything. So, don't be afraid if you're not there yet. You don't need to be sharing your whole story with the world like I am. And that's okay, because we all handle everything differently. And it can take a lot of time to get to this point. Or for me, it happened because I hit a really low point and decided I needed to make a change.
I want to talk about depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts today. So, if you do have triggers for any of these, and you are really struggling, you might want to skip and I will make sure to have it in the show notes in the episode description everywhere for where you can start listening to how to tell your family about mental health. I know you're struggling because this episode might not be for you, depending on how you're doing because I don't want to make anyone feel worse. So, if you are really struggling and you think listening to someone else describe their situation or what they've gone through is not for you today. Then maybe just skip today and thank you for joining so far. Maybe skip to the ‘how to you tell other people that you're struggling.’ Don't be ashamed if you need to take a step back.
So, I'm going to talk about mental health. And I'm going to talk about it for real, because speaking up about it means talking about more than just those two words. I'm going to start with just a few weeks ago, actually, I was really struggling with my mental health. My depression was coming back. The dark thoughts were coming back, my brain was kind of just becoming overloaded. I was canceling meetings for the podcast. I wasn't getting anything done for the podcast, I was just overloaded. And I kind of explained a little bit about this in a blog post on why I quit school. I guess it's not quitting. I like to say ‘take a break.’ But I had to take a step back, because I committed to way too much. The podcast, Post Concussion, Inc., and school, and life, and breaks, and brain injury were way too much.
So, I decided to take a step back after discussing with my parents how I was doing. And for the first time in my life, I actually openly told my mom, that my depression thoughts were back and I never thought I'd get to that point. So, it's okay to make changes to your life. I had to make changes, because I spent a whole day crying. I think I cried for about six hours. I just couldn't stop. I was just so overwhelmed. My brain was hurting, my body was hurting, I couldn't think, I was more stressed because I wasn't getting things done. But I had no motivation to get things done. So, great, win-win there and it just kind of spiraled to the point where I couldn't handle it. It was too many hours and it couldn't keep up and I had to accept that.
School was not worth destroying my mental health after it had been so good for so long. So, I made a change and that's okay. I'm going to tell you about my depression. And my depression recently was more of an episode of depression, I guess, like it was coming along for a few weeks and I had a few bad weeks. I made a change and it took a couple of weeks to kind of get out of that mood and recover. But I'm doing really good now.
So, it just took some time and that's okay. But my depression in high school was a lot different. I slept a lot, I had no motivation to get out of bed, I didn't want to see anyone, I didn't want to talk to anyone. And when I was around people, I smiled and pushed through it a lot of the time, especially with my friends. I didn't know how to tell them because I was 16 years old. People think of depression as this girl with crazy hair and dark clothes and a ton of makeup on. Well, that's definitely not the case. If you do dress like that, that's awesome. We all are different. But that doesn't mean we have depression or don't have depression. I didn't change how I acted in front of my friends. I still went out with them. I smiled, I laughed, I just suffered in silence. I started to build a wall up around me, like a brick wall, like concrete brick, like you weren't knocking this thing down. It was solid.
Every day, I built it bigger. I didn't tell anyone how I was doing, because I didn't want that guilt to look from them. And I was so angry at the world. I just didn't know how. How do I tell someone that my brain is hurting and my body feels like it's aching and it hurts all over, and that I'm crying all the time, and that I have no motivation to get out of bed, and thoughts are really bad? I didn't know how to tell someone that. I didn't know how to tell someone that when something little happened, my whole body would have a panic attack and I would start crying for no reason at all. It felt like, well, obviously there was a reason, I was depressed.
We don't talk about that. We don't talk about how it felt like I had a hole in my body that I couldn't fill and it was aching and I didn't know how to fill it. It was just like there was this void. And I remember sitting at a dinner table with my family and everyone talking and me responding, but then knowing I wasn't really there. Not mentally. I will be looking at my family and I'd feel like a ghost. I didn't know how to react to that. I didn't know how to tell someone that. I really didn't know how to explain it. I just felt horrible. And I can honestly say depression sucks. It really sucks and it's really hard to go through.
Something else I went through, during my high school depression was — I had a lot of suicidal thoughts, because of the pain. I was in a lot of pain. I had a headache every day. And I had quit a sport, and I was really upset. I didn't know how to handle that. I remember writing notes to everyone that I loved. I believe that they deserve that. But that they didn't deserve to deal with me suffering. They didn't deserve to deal with me, lashing out at them or being upset or not being able to be me. And I remember crying over writing those notes and knowing that I shouldn't be here, was what it felt like. Obviously, those thoughts are very wrong. But that's what my brain told me.
I remember lying in bed, being in so much pain, despite everything I had tried, pain meds, every therapy, I was in so much pain. I remember lying there thinking, why? Why am I doing this? What are you here for? If you can't get out of bed, you can't walk out that door, you feel like you're going to collapse, the pain is so excruciating that opening your eyes hurts. What are you doing here? Why? That's how your brain can work sometimes. It took me a long time to get over that. It took me a lot of acceptance and learning how to handle that and handling my thoughts to get over that. But it's not like they don't come back.
I'm not perfect. This is something I will probably have to deal with for the rest of my life and that's okay, because I'm getting better at it, I guess. But it doesn't mean it doesn't suck. Something that was different was in university. I didn't even realize how much I was struggling, actually. I knew the dark clouds were still there, but I wasn't crying all the time, I was getting out of bed every day, I was living my life, and I didn't realize how badly I was doing mentally at the time. I had a really bad few months where I started running a lot. And this is weird for me, because I do not like to run. It's funny because my mom runs marathons. So, big difference there. I did not get her genes for that. But I don't like to run. But I didn't know what to do. I would be driving down the road and my thoughts would be like, “Why don't you just drive off? Wouldn't it just be easier if you just weren't here? What if you’ve gotten such a bad car accident that you were just gone and then you don't have to worry about it anymore? Wouldn’t that just make life easier?” I didn't know how to stop those thoughts. So, I would crank music and cry and I would run.
I remember running and running and running and running and then losing weight and weight and weight and just getting smaller. Because I was running so much and not eating because my appetite usually disappears when my depression gets bad. I didn't know what to do. And that's how I ended up overdosing because I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to feel it anymore. I didn't want to feel the pain. I didn't want to hear the thoughts and the attacks were intense. I would be literally sitting on the floor, wanting to scream, having nothing come out, bawling my eyes out, and like clawing at my arms because I couldn't get it to stop.
It's a lot to share. I don't think I've ever shared anyone, told anyone that, other than my therapist. So, here we go, sharing with the world. I didn't know how to stop it and I just wanted to be numb and I made a mistake. That mistake ended up saving my life. So, it's kind of a little bit complicated. But I still remember laying in that hospital bed and my siblings coming in, and they were so upset and some of them were mad at me, some of them were really sad and they all handled it really differently. That's when I saw how much pain I could cause by not talking about this. Because I thought the opposite for the longest time that if I told them I was depressed, that if I told them I was having suicidal thoughts, that would hurt them. But I didn't realize that telling them would have allowed them to help me, which is what happened that day, is, all of a sudden, they all stepped up and made a big difference in my life.
I remember being really angry a few weeks after, because I wasn't allowed to go anywhere. It was like house arrest or like babysitter watch. My mom wouldn't let me be alone. So, because I chose not to stay at the hospital, I would, like, get dropped off at my brother's house and I would get dropped off at my sister's house, and I wasn't allowed to drive and I wasn't allowed to do anything. I had to be brought to the barn and brought to therapy. I remember being really mad that they had done that. But it was for me, they were doing it to help me, they were afraid for me, and they were right. My brain kind of was like a little numb for a few weeks after. I really needed that and they saved my life.
So, that's really important to reach out to those around you, because those thoughts are horrible. There are tools that you can use to make them go away. There are tools and antidepressants out there to help you get out of bed. There are mindsets, there are lots that you can do to get better. You can't do it alone. Honestly, you can't. And you might think you can, and I thought I could, and I learned from that. Because we're not supposed to do things alone. That's not how the world is set up and that's not how our brains are designed. So, don't do it alone. Talk to someone. But, how do you? How do you talk to someone about having a void in your body that hurts so much? Or that you're really angry? Or that you want to cry all the time? Or that you don't want to be here? How do you talk about that?
Now, that is what we're going to talk about next, because it's honestly really, really hard. I will accept that. I will never not agree with that, because there's nothing easy about talking about your mental health. There's nothing easy about telling everybody my whole story and it's difficult. So, I'm going to start with number one, send them this podcast, because, maybe just hearing a little bit about how someone else's depression feels, and what those suicidal thoughts can be like, and the anxiety panic attacks are like, maybe that's enough to give him a really big sign that they need to watch out for you. Maybe help you find help, maybe be that person that you need to reach out to, and that's a great step. If that doesn't work for you, that's okay.
Another idea, number two is to tell someone, tell one person, just one. Maybe it's a family member, maybe it's a best friend, maybe it's a partner. That one person can be your person and tell someone that you know won't always agree with you. Tell someone that you know will push you just enough, not too much. But you're going to need that person who kind of helps you get out of bed and makes you go for a walk or makes you sign up for therapy or makes a phone call for you so you can go to therapy — or gets connections for you, so you know what doctor to see. Because you need that friend, family member or partner to help you if you're not in the mindset to do it.
Another idea, number three, which I kind of think is a very difficult idea. Something that I wouldn't have been able to do is sit them down in a group. If there's your siblings you want to tell or your kids or your husband, then sit them down and have a conversation about your mental health and that you're struggling and this is your first step to getting better. If you can do that, go you. I want to clap for you, because that's awesome.
Another idea, number four, is to tell one person and have that person tell everyone else because, if you're like my family, what I did a few weeks ago was I told my mom how I was doing, and I can guarantee you that she told my siblings. Because I didn't tell her to not tell anyone. What that allowed me to do was not have that conversation with all of them, but also have that reassurance that they knew that maybe I needed a little bit more help for those few weeks, or that they needed to check in on me a little bit more, or be there for me or something. That is a great way to do it, because then you have to prepare yourself for one conversation, not multiple. And then it just kind of eases the situation a little bit more. There's a lot more ways to tell your family, but that's a great way.
Another thing I like to say is there are support groups out there. There are hotlines, there is therapy, there are doctors, there are people. There are people out there to help you who are not your family and friends. So, make sure you realize that I'm here, you can message me at any time, send an email, there's a chat box on the website. I answer it usually as quickly as I can and I'm here to talk, and a lot of other people. So, don't feel like you're completely alone because you're not and make sure you reach out. Doing this alone is not okay. That wall has to come down somehow. Make sure you reach out.
I would just like to thank you for listening to my mental health episode because it's a very hard subject to talk about. I think we need to talk about the reality of it more, because though two words mental health aren't going to help anybody just by what the media might think. I think it's really important that you're all here. So, thank you so much for listening and if you really do love it, make sure you check out the coffee page, because it's not actually buying coffee.
Thank you so much for listening to The Post Concussion Podcast today. Be sure to reach out if you ever need to talk.
[END OF EPISODE]
[00:22:09] BP: Has your life been affected by concussions? Join our podcast by getting in touch. Thank you so much for listening to The Post Concussion Podcast and be sure to help us educate the world about the reality of concussions by giving us a share. To learn more, don't forget to subscribe.
[END]
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