The Anniversary of My Life with Bella Paige
Show Notes:
Today’s episode comes with a warning as we dive into the dark side of mental health. The next step down the dark hole where you really don’t think you are going to make it. Please note that this episode carries a trigger warning for depression and suicide, if listeners are triggered by this topic they are advised to skip this week’s episode. If you choose to skip this episode, we hope you join our support groups on Concussion Connect, which you can find through the link in our episode description or at postconcussioninc.com, because we’re all here for you and don’t want you to forget that. For those who are tuning in, you’ll hear from Bella about the emotion and experience around her attempt at suicide and she shares tips for those who find themselves in that dark place.
Key Points From This Episode:
Bella shares her warning sign for mental health and why this week is a trigger for her.
She opens up about her own feelings on her attempt at suicide.
She talks about what it was like after her attempt and the emotions that surrounded her.
Why it’s important for her to talk about the anniversary of her attempt.
The reasons why saying the word suicide is a tough thing for Bella to do.
Bella shares tips for those listeners who find themselves in the dark place.
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[INTRODUCTION]
[0:00:05.2] BP: Hi everyone, I’m your host Bella Paige and after suffering from post-concussion syndrome for years, it was time to do something about it. So, welcome to The Post Concussion Podcast, where we dig deep into life when it doesn’t go back to normal. Be sure to share the podcast and join our support network, Concussion Connect. Let’s make this invisible injury become visible.
The Post Concussion Podcast is strictly an information podcast about concussions and post-concussion syndrome. It does not provide nor substitute for professional medical advice diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or another qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.
Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have heard on this podcast. The opinions expressed in this podcast are simply intended to spark discussion about concussion and post-concussion syndrome.
[DISCUSSION]
[0:01:14.7] BP: Welcome to episode number 83 of The Post Concussion Podcast with myself, Bella Paige. So this actually wasn’t supposed to be today’s episode, considering I’m recording this four days before it comes out and usually, episodes are recorded about six weeks before they come out.
So, I haven’t done a solo mental health episode since episode number eight, which is what I realized today or yesterday and/or somehow, at 83 today. So it seemed like it was really overdue.
So here is a warning that this episode is about the dark side of mental health, not that crying in depression aren’t serious in any way but this is sort of that next step down that dark hole. It’s the one where you really don’t think you're going to make it. So please, if you do need to skip this week’s episode, please do.
This is here to help create awareness not make you feel any worse. So if you stop listening now, I just want to say, I hope you join in on our support groups on Concussion Connect, which you can find through the link in our episode description or at postconcussioninc.com, because we’re all here for you and I don’t want you to forget that.
[0:02:44.5] So this week is always a very hard week for myself. I’ve talked about warning signs before and my warning sign for mental health is running. My urge run this week has been very strong but I know I can get through it and if I happen to cry through this episode, it’s fine. I’m just going to pause it just because I cried planning it.
So the real reason this episode is today is because of this: So December 10th, five days from recording this, four years ago, I was never supposed to make it to December 11th 2018. Anniversaries can be really tough. Crazy difficult, just overwhelming and even last week’s incredible guest, Cristabelle Braden, shared about how her brain injury anniversary was a very challenging time, 15 years later, just last week.
So it’s a week full of a lot of emotions and in reality, it’s kind of scary, happy. It’s just there’s a lot and here are just a few of the things I would have missed if it wasn’t for a few people and an incredible ER team. Two nieces, a nephew, incredible friendships, learning to ride a dirt bike, as I’ve talked about here on the show.
I am now actually on my local dirt bike community’s club hosting events and races because I’ve become so passionate about it and books I’ve wrote that haven’t been shared but never would have been written, stories that would have never been told. So thankfully, this year, on the 10th, I have a Christmas gingerbread house making competition party at a friend’s house, which is wonderful.
[0:04:46.3] As for me, keeping myself busy kind of really help with my mental health struggles. The part that is a reality at this is… so, my version of a party has like five to ten people and so these individuals at this party and my friend’s house that I’m going to, I actually didn’t know four years ago and I don’t know how to explain that.
I didn’t know them and it’s really tough because they are now some of my closest friends. I talked with them every day, I see them every week if I can and so it’s a very supportive group of loving friends that I never would have met.
Some of them don’t actually know about what I’m talking about right now and it’s not that they’re not good friends and it’s just something I haven’t shared or it’s just never come up. I find some things just needs specific moments in time and it’s something I don’t bring up very often and so that’s the reality of being an attempted suicide survivor.
I am grateful for being here, don’t get me wrong but the emotions of still being here can be very challenging. Everyone’s situation of course is very different. I didn’t not want to live. I just didn’t want to live the life I was living and I know it’s different for everyone when they deal with those emotions but they’re strong.
[0:06:25.4] Overwhelming, shake, where they’re vibrating, the pain inside of my stomach and chest when I have had those emotions are kind of outrageous and if I had known four years ago today, that I would be helping people with concussions and brain injuries and survivors and their families get through life on the daily ad no longer be in chronic pain, luckily, and be able to read or have a memory for the little things.
For example, I can go into a grocery store now without a list and I’ll forget a few things but at least I don’t’ forget why I’m in the store. So, you really don’t know what’s around the next corner and I think that’s the terrifying thing, is it worse or is it better not to know? I don’t know, because I know that if I had known this, I probably wouldn’t have stepped off that edge and attempted to take my own life.
But the only way you're going to find out about the good and the exciting things to come is by taking that next step and I know I laugh a lot on this podcast. Guests laugh a lot and I do believe it’s important because this can be so, so, so dark and I also know the best way to help people is to show the dark side and also that you can come out of it.
I brush off the suicide comments on this show or kind of hinted at it but I don’t know if I’ve said the word very often and I think it’s important because four years ago, I was completely done with every aspect of my life. I had no intention to make it to the next day and if I could explain the feeling before the attempt and the after, it's something I’ve never done before.
[0:08:24.6] I know I’ve wrote it out. It is in one of the books that are coming in a little bit but it was just my brain felt like it was so full that I couldn’t handle thoughts. Even good thoughts, everything was just horrific and being in the hospital bed and having your family come in and not know what to say.
So many different reactions from good to bad to crying to happy you’re still here and I think it’s fair every emotion that everyone had and the after was really hard for me because I was really numb for a while. I wouldn’t say I was like this grateful, ecstatic person who is like, “I’m alive and I should take every minute of life now with like thanks” I can honestly say I was not like that.
Really wasn’t. I was just, I didn’t know what to feel. So I think it’s important to talk about the anniversary is really tough for me because like I said, I’m – there’s just so many things this year and last year, and the few years before that, that I never would have experienced and it’s crazy because I always tell people that my life has just been getting better and better and it has, but I didn’t expect it to.
I really thought that I was going to be sick for the rest of my life and it’s not saying that I’m not sick. I wouldn’t say like I’m like a hundred percent healthy. I do go to the doctor and get blood work still pretty frequently but I don’t need to be in therapy all the time. I don’t have to stress about getting out of bed every day or be unable to get out of bed and so my life has changed a lot and for the better.
[0:10:21.8] Like the hikes I’ve gone on, trips I’ve gone on, just days with friends, with family, all these things and for me, nieces and nephew [who] grow up, I wouldn’t have seen it. I actually wouldn’t have met three of them and I think realizing that is really tough because they are such a huge part of my world now.
I actually do everything with my one nephew that I can and we do gymnastics and bowling is his favorite thing right now, obsessed with bowling. I am not a good bowler by the way and so it’s just crazy to think I would have missed it and concussions, my concussion is what did it to me and I think that’s hard too.
A lot of people don’t realize that it’s not CTE that made me take my own life, it was concussions that anybody can get at any time, any place, anywhere — and it’s not like I didn’t have a supportive family either. My siblings, parents, friends are incredible and so it didn’t make me not feel alone, like I wasn’t the only person on the planet living like this and I really did feel like that.
[0:11:35.9] I really did feel like I just couldn’t control any aspect of my life and I remember bawling to my mom all the time saying, “I just wanted to live a life where I didn’t have to think every day about managing my health” or I just wanted to get off that rollercoaster I talk about all the time and just go for a walk and not worry about so many things that could happen everywhere I went.
I didn’t want to have to prepare for every doctor’s appointment or every outing of the house or feel like, “Okay, I am going to do this Saturday. Well, that means Sunday will be in bed,” and don’t get me wrong, I know many of you are still there but I could also tell you it can get so much better.
I just wish I could help you speed up and get there because it is a good feeling getting better but it takes a lot of time and I am going to take a really quick break because I need a breather because I am going to bawl my eyes out for a minute. Maybe, maybe not, we’ll see.
I have been crying a lot this week actually and I think that’s just the emotions of being an attempted suicide survivor are a lot like being a concussion survivor that you are all over the place. It’s like I’m grateful, I’m happy I’m here, I’m ecstatic for what I have been able to create with Post Concussion Inc. and now, Concussion Connect, which is like a dream come true.
But it doesn’t mean it’s not hard. So I am going to come back with some tips for kind of getting through this or any dark place or anything like that and also, if you’re a survivor’s friend, parent, family, partner, child and sometimes, it’s good to know what you can do too. So I will be right back, I promise.
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[DISCUSSION CONTINUED]
[0:14:42.3] BP: Welcome back to the Post Concussion Podcast with myself, Bella Paige, and just a reminder that this is a darker episode and I’m sorry that it’s like this. Like I kind of feel bad that it is so depressing sounding but I also think it’s really important because I think if I listen to another girl or guy or anyone, just kind of say that they did take that step and life got better, I think it would have maybe prevented me from taking it in the first place.
I think that’s really important and this is actually something that I don’t like using the word suicide and I feel like I should, be okay with it. Like today actually, a few hours ago, I was crying and if you have Snapchat, you know that you could send pictures back and forth to each other and I sent a picture to a few of my girlfriends and one of them was like, “Okay, you’re not okay — like, you kind of look upset” and I said, “Yeah.”
She said, “Well, what is it?” and I said, “Well, it’s just a really bad anniversary week” and they said, “Anniversary for?” and I said, “You know, that, I don’t want to live anymore, take my life away, don’t wake up, anniversary.”
But I didn’t just say suicide and I think it’s because I really don’t like the word, number one, and I think it’s because it was such a hard moment of my life that by going back there is really tough or when you say the word to others, sometimes their reaction is not the greatest and so I do want to give some tips for people who are in that dark place
[0:16:39.7] My first recommendation is always talk therapy. It is always going to be there just because I really do think it can help you and like how our support groups can help you — talking to someone even if it is just for a minute can really make a difference because you can bottle it up for a really long time and then think you’re okay and then the cap comes off because that’s what I’ve been doing.
I have talked about this on the podcast before and I like to call it make toast and this is because of my best friend and my best friend saved my life one time from a, I guess, pre-suicide attempt moment in my life and I FaceTimed her or she FaceTimed me because I wasn’t answering and I was bawling and shaking and she was like, “Get up, make toast like let’s go” and I was like, “I don’t want to get up and make toast.”
Like I can’t eat, I don’t eat when I am really stressed and she was like, “Come on, let’s go make some toast” and it’s crazy because by the time I was done making a piece of toast that I was not going to eat, I actually felt a lot better and it just manage to help me calm down, all the monsters and terrible thoughts and all of that and so make some toast.
Get up and move and I know that can be really hard when you are dealing with chronic pain and symptoms but even if it is just making toast or some soup that you are never going to eat or if you have a dog, let’s teach your dog a new trick right now because it gets you moving and gets your brain onto something else.
[0:18:30.9] Of course, there is tons of mindful tricks I can list and I have talked about them on the podcast before but try those too and some tips for other people. So this is tough because everyone’s situation is so different like my mom asked me if I was okay that week. She was really worried because I know I wasn’t myself and so did my older sister actually.
She texted me that day or the night before and I remember lying and telling her that I was okay and that she didn’t need to worry about me and I still feel really guilty for that because I know that if I told her, she’d probably would have done everything she could in her power to kind of save me and yeah.
So ask the questions, make the phone calls, show up at their house. I once had my girlfriend just show up at my house and I am saying this because I had severe depression for years, a very long time and I do have two friends that know a lot about it and one of them was like, “I’m just coming over. You don’t have a choice.”
“Like I will break down your window. I will break down the door. I will sit outside the door but you are not allowed to be alone and I’m coming” and you know what? You friend might hate you in that moment but I promise you, they will love you later and so who said you have to do anything? You just have to be there for them.
[0:20:01.9] Or sometimes, if they need someone to talk to, help them find that person because finding a therapist is a lot harder than it seems and sometimes we need help doing that. So don’t be afraid to do that and so, there it is, my reality I guess. Four years ago, I would have never experienced four years of my life.
The scary part is, is that these have been the best years of my life and I don’t have any regrets and of course, I wish I never got to that dark place that I did but I also know that all of this came out of some of that and being here talking on the podcast and sharing all of these with you has been very hard.
This is probably the hardest episode I’ve ever done honestly and it is not even like I got that into it because I think some things just are best left to the imagination. If you really want to hear about all of it, then join Concussion Connect because I’m a pretty open book there even more open book than the podcast.
But that is the reality of being an attempted suicide survivor and everyone’s situation will be so different and I promise you, it’s not worth it. There is so much to life and so much to the future and you have no idea what is around that next corner.
[0:21:37.2] So if you do have more questions, please send me a message. Please remember that all you have to do every day is breathe and who cares if you spent a week on a couch watching Netflix or a month in a dark room. You are still breathing and that means you are just as important as everybody else.
So I am always here, don’t forget I love you all, way more than you could ever imagine and that’s it for today and I can’t wait to see what the future brings for each and every single one of you.
END OF INTERVIEW]
[0:22:16.7] BP: Need more than just this podcast? Be sure to check out our website, postconcussioninc.com, to see how we can help you in your post-concussion life. From a support network to one-on-one coaching, I believe life can get better because I’ve lived through it. Make sure you take it one day at a time.
[END]
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