Personal Identity with Lindsey Cook
Show Notes:
Navigating the medical system when you have a concussion is undeniably challenging, but trying to do so within pandemic restrictions is even worse. Today, we are joined by journalist and writer, Lindsey Cook, whose recent article, I Slept Through a Year of the Pandemic, gives a moving account of how she became concussed after she was roofied by a waiter. Although she can’t remember the details of that night, she does recall waking up hours later in the shower with a softball-sized lump in the middle of her forehead. In our conversation, Lindsey outlines the details of her recovery, what she has learned about how trauma is stored in the body, and why telling your story can help you change the narrative and shift your perspective. She opens up about the feelings of shame she had surrounding her injury, including the complicated feelings she’s had in response to being targeted by a predator, the length of time it’s taken her to recover, and how much time and energy she has had to devote to managing fatigue and getting enough sleep. We also discuss the positive impact of therapy and take a closer look at some of the treatments that have helped Lindsey during her recovery. Tune in for a reflective conversation on trauma, therapy, and recovery during the pandemic.
Key Points From This Episode:
● Get to know today’s guest, author, and journalist, Lindsey Cook.
● The story of Lindsey’s concussion after she was roofied by a waiter.
● Insights into how trauma is stored in the body after a traumatic event.
● The importance of telling your story, and how it alters your perception of a traumatic event.
● The story behind Lindsey’s article I Slept Through a Year of the Pandemic.
● The difficulty of navigating the medical system with a brain injury.
● How pandemic restrictions impacted Lindsay’s recovery.
● Some of the coping mechanisms that Lindsey couldn’t access during her recovery.
● An overview of the treatment and therapies that have helped Lindsey.
● Some of the medical professionals who are helping Lindsey, and where she currently is in her recovery.
Connect with Lindsey
Website: https://www.lindseyrogerscook.com/
Read Lindsey's Essay "I Slept Through A Year of The Pandemic" on Elle
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Transcript - Click to Read
[INTRO]
[00:00:05] BP: Hi. I’m your host, Bella Paige. Welcome to the Post-Concussion Podcast: all about life after experiencing a concussion. Help us make the invisible injury become visible.
[DISCLAIMER]
[00:00:22] BP: The Post-Concussion Podcast is strictly an information podcast about concussions and post-concussion syndrome. It does not provide, nor substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, or another qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice, or delay in seeking it because of something you have heard on this podcast. The opinions expressed in this podcast are simply intended to spark discussion about concussions and post-concussion syndrome.
[EPISODE]
[00:01:03] BP: Welcome to today's episode of the Post-Concussion Podcast with myself, Bella Paige and today's guest, Lindsey Cook. Lindsey Rogers Cook is the writer of two novels, Learning to Speak Southern and How to Bury Your Brother. She works as a Senior Editor at the New York Times and is from Georgia. Lindsey also wrote an essay on Elle, which you can find a link to in our episode description called I Slept Through a Year of the Pandemic, which relates to her concussion experience. Welcome to the show, Lindsey Cook.
[00:01:36] LC: Thanks. Thanks for having me.
[00:01:38] BP: To start, do you want to tell everyone a little bit about the concussion you experienced?
[00:01:44] LC: Sure. In September 2020, I was roofied by a waiter and I ended up going back to my apartment, but I was quite sick, quite out of it. Then in the course of that aftermath, I ended up hitting my head, falling while taking a shower and hitting my head on the ceramic tub. I sustained quite a bad concussion. After that, I had to take a few months off of work. I struggled with headaches, vertigo, fatigue. I was about a year and a half ago, a little more than a year and a half ago.
[00:02:25] BP: I like something that Lindsey wrote and we are sharing with the show is an article about being affected by the pandemic and things like that. Something you mentioned was how every time you share your story, it changes. I really want to talk about that, because for myself, how I tell people about my concussions and my injuries has certainly changed over the years. My perspective has changed a lot. Do you mind touching on that a little bit?
[00:02:55] LC: Yeah. I am by trade a writer and a journalist. You're talking about my piece in Elle, about my concussion and my experience with that. I read a lot of books once I was able to read just about trauma in the body and how we recover from trauma. That was one thing that really stuck with me, just this thinking. It comes from The Body Keeps the Score. The idea of it is, and it is backed by data and science, that the more you tell your story of your trauma, whatever that trauma is, whether it's a concussion, or a sexual assault or something else, that helps you integrate the story into your own life experience and your larger life story. It also changes the story a little bit as you, not necessarily the facts of what happened, but how you perceive what happened.
As far as my telling of my story, one thing that I've noticed is that the more I tell it, the less shame I feel. Because I think that especially the way that I got the concussion, but also concussions in general can feel like a shameful thing, like a limitation that you have to deal with. How I got the concussion, it took me a long time to process them and also deal with. I do think in general, shame is something that probably a lot of people feel, just with concussions in general, just because you do have certain limitations where maybe you can't do the things that you used to be able to do. It's difficult to explain to people. I definitely got some questions like, well, I've gotten a concussion before and there's nothing bad happened to me. Basically insinuating, recover faster, essentially. I do think it's different for everyone.
Yeah. I guess, the takeaway for all your listeners is that if the concussion isn't something that you talk about, or the experience of how you got it frequently, I would say that that is a very important part of healing, is telling your story, integrating your story, and also figuring out how you're going to tell your story to yourself and how that changes your perception. Whether that's working through that in a journal, or with a therapist, or a trusted friend or family member, definitely, I recommend that.
[00:05:26] BP: No, I think it's great. You mentioned feeling shameful when you talked about your story. Mine was a lot of anger. I don't feel it anymore. When I was younger and I would tell people that my whole life got uprooted and all these things happened and I would just be the most angry person about the entire thing. I was just mad at myself, mad at the world. I don't feel that anymore. I think that's just growth and perspective and also, how I tell the story.
Other thing, you talked about telling it to yourself, because that's really important because I – you should just lash out and learning how to tell myself that you went through all this. You don't have to look at it in such a horrible, horrific way that it felt when going through it made a really big difference. We all know, as most listeners know, it's an invisible injury. People do get to heal in those two weeks that they mentioned at the hospital. Then there's a lot of us that don't. It can be tough when people try to compare brain injuries to other brain injuries, because none of them are alike. Something that you went through when this all started was going through the pandemic right when it started. Do you want to talk a little bit about how the pandemic affected you and also, going through this at the same time, like sleeping a lot?
[00:06:51] LC: Yeah. I got the concussion September 2020, so it was when the pandemic had already started. Also, when we were at a very scary point in the pandemic, like pre-vaccines. Just to take you back to that time. People don't really know if people are wiping off their groceries and stuff. There was a lot of things that were unknown that are now more known. For me, I think it impacted a few things. One was that navigating the medical system with a brain injury is already extremely, extremely challenging. Because of the pandemic, I had to go to my appointments alone, including the ones that were just following the concussion, because they wouldn't let another person come with me, because of the pandemic. That made everything super, super challenging.
Just the memory issues, not understanding what they’re saying, not being able to concentrate, the brain fog. That was really, really difficult. I mean, I understand how we got to that situation with the pandemic, but it was also definitely not helpful. I think that for me, it probably delayed some of the eventual treatment, just because I read in the aftermath of the concussion was in my face of I couldn't deal with it. I didn't have the patience. Didn't have the ability to concentrate. I couldn't. I just couldn't deal with the medical system right away.
Then another way that I think the pandemic affected me with the concussion is that it made it a lot more isolating. Just that. I think, normally, I am very close to my family and I have close friendships. Normally, in normal circumstances, if I had an injury like that, I think my mom would have come and helped take care of me and friends would have visited me and it would have been a lot more in-person support. It's even hard when you have a concussion to get that support over the phone, or via Zoom, or whatever, because you can't really look at screens, or concentrate or whatever.
To add to that, my husband was actually back at work already from after the concussion. Mandated back at work. And we had a new puppy when I got the concussion. It was very complex. In terms of how it helped me, though, I was working from home and still am as a journalist. That has been really, really helpful in my recovery. I did take time off right after the concussion. I went on a medical leave. When I did go back to work, just having that additional flexibility where I could shift my hours if I needed to, or take a break during the day, or take it easier on one day if I was having a bad day and stack another day more heavily. That was really helpful.
[00:10:03] BP: Yeah, I think it's great. I love working from home. I know, I could now be somehow my recovery is, but I know for me, I would never want to go back, because that is how I do my days. I work all morning, take the afternoon off and work at night, because my head gets foggy in the afternoon from working all day. Or, if I have a headache one day, I just take the whole day off and then catch up the next day, kind of thing. That flexibility has saved me with my head injuries. Though, not all fields you can do that, but if you can, it's wonderful.
The medical system is something – Actually, we have weekly support groups, part of Concussion Connect, and the medical system got brought up the other day. I have never seen so many people jumping at their screens to yell during a Zoom meeting ever about how frustrated they were and things being dismissed about the reality of their symptoms, or trying to navigate it when you can barely get out of bed. You're sleeping all the time. How do you manage to also schedule appointments, get to those appointments and all these little factors that people don't think about when you are in therapy?
I think it is important that we try to navigate the medical system, despite how frustrating it can be. Something that we had talked about a little bit, something that I really like is therapy and things like that. Something you learn in therapy is coping strategies and how to use them. Sometimes when you have a concussion, a lot of those coping strategies go away.
One, for example, we discussed you were able to read after a little bit, but for myself, people always used to tell me, why don't you read? I used to go, “Well, if I could, I would be reading a book to escape my situation.” What type of coping strategies had you learned before could you not use after your concussion?
[00:12:02] LC: Yeah. We talked a little bit before about how I have dealt with depression and anxiety in the past before the concussion. I did have a bit of a toolbox for dealing with that afterwards. The issue came in, because you just can't do a lot. I mean, I guess, I can only really talk from my personal experience, but I had a lot of trouble looking at screens and I couldn't read, because it made me dizzy. I couldn't really walk, because I had intense vertigo.
The habits that I was accustomed to doing to deal with my anxiety and depression and just maintain my mental and physical health were not available. That would be journaling, reading, yoga. I'm a certified yoga instructor. Walking, exercise. Couldn't do any of that. Basically, I could just sit in bed in a dark room and listen. Yeah. I do think a scenario where people's advice, who haven't gone through it, it's just not particularly helpful. Because each person's experience, even if you have gone through it, each person's experience is so different.
[00:13:14] BP: It's true. I know some people that have been able to read through the entire pandemic, exercise for me was a really big outlet for my mental health. Losing that was always really tough for me. It's interesting, because a lot of the things people do suggest you just have to nod to like, okay, thank you. I always tell everyone to remember that people are suggesting things, because they care. It's not like, it's, “Oh, why don't you just do this?” Sometimes those situations exist, but try to not take it too personally when they don't understand what you're going through. We are going to take a quick break, and when we get back, we'll talk about treatments and therapies Lindsey has tried and also where she's at now.
[MESSAGE]
[00:14:03] BP: I just wanted to say thank you to all of those who have donated to the podcast. It truly helps more than you could ever know. If you happen to be struggling with your recovery with things such as relationships with others, school, work, finding the right help when you need it, please make sure to take the time to book a post-concussion life coaching session with myself. Because these coaching sessions are what I needed when I was struggling immensely to share with others what I was really going through. You can find the link to these coaching sessions by going to postconcussioninc.com and clicking coaching, or of course in our episode description. I can't wait to work with you.
[INTERVIEW CONTINUED]
[00:14:56] BP: Welcome back to the Post-Concussion Podcast with myself, Bella Paige, and today's guest, Lindsey Cook. Something I want to get into, what type of treatments and therapies did you try and what helped?
[00:15:09] LC: Yeah. So some happier news. The thing that helped the most, which is not satisfying when you're going for it, but is time, I think that the main symptom I still struggle with is fatigue. I noticed the difference just every month even. When you're dealing with that aftermath week-to-week, look, I felt better every single week. Just the knowledge that this is a season of life, it's almost like you can think about and I explore this in my essay a little bit. You're almost in hibernation through winter and there is going to be a time when you can come out on the other side into spring and feel a little bit better.
I guess, just telling yourself that it's temporary and not – I mean, even if you still eventually have symptoms, it's not going to be as bad as it is right after the concussion. Just not letting yourself say things like, “I'm always going to feel like this. This is my life now or whatever.” Related to that, therapy is huge. I think that I highly recommend it. I know that it's not always accessible for folks. But if you can access it, therapy is amazing. It was a huge part of my recovery, both because of the way that I got the concussion, but also just in dealing with a new level of energy, a new level of ability, more positive self-talk.
Then some other things that I wrote down that helped, one was yoga. I was used to doing yoga before, but I couldn't really do yoga after the concussion, or I couldn't do what I traditionally thought of as yoga. I ended up evolving my yoga practice into something that was a little bit more mental, instead of physical. Not doing down dogs, for example, because I couldn't really do anything that was upside down, but doing more again, restorative postures and stretching. That really helps, and just deep breathing.
Then I also got my dog. I have two dogs. When I was in bed for that first bit, my dog was always with me, cuddling. I think, cuddling a dog, or human, or cat, or child is always available as a coping strategy. I highly recommend cuddles if possible. Then, also just switching over some of my hobbies, or leaning more into analog tools, instead of digital things, because for a long time I had issues looking at screens and I would have to save that time for work, where I was looking at screens. Just getting into paper planning, paper journaling, writing letters instead of going on Zoom calls, doing puzzles. Someone sent me an origami set, which I thought was a very nice and thoughtful gift for someone going through a recovery.
[00:18:15] BP: Yeah. I really like that you mentioned time, because I think a lot of the time, our medical system doesn't give a lot of credit to time at all. For myself, I find a lot of the time, you don't really realize you're getting better and then you do get better, and it's unexpected. I wouldn't say we're in physical therapy, they're like, “Oh, by this such date, if you injure an arm, or something.” There's an end date where concussion recovery is kind of unexpected recovery, which can make it really frustrating, but also very rewarding when it does happen. I love that you got into yoga and different types of yoga. I'm a huge yoga person. I do it probably six days a week.
One of the biggest things for me was mental health aspect of yoga as well. It was more just breathing techniques, I'm clearing my mind, and a lot of that thing, because I could refocus, because something I was missing for myself was being able to turn my brain off, and that's what sports used to allow me to do and I didn't have access to that. Yoga, there is also lots of brain injury-friendly yoga, websites and teachings available that you're not upside down the entire time, and getting head rushes, or getting really dizzy and falling over. It's not exactly the funnest.
I also love that you mention your dog. I got a new pup. I adopted her last fall. Though she has a ton of work and I mean a ton of work. She is adopted in the rescue, so she came with some extra quirks. It really helped me for just getting out the door, to do things by myself, like go for hikes and walks and those types of things. A lot of people’s schedules don't really work with mine, because they work from home. Having a dog to go for a hike in the middle of the afternoon and things like that, so I'm not completely alone has completely changed my mental state, especially in the winter when everything is just cold. I think, it's really great that it has helped you so much, and cuddling with dogs is just the greatest if you're not super allergic.
You have improved a lot and I think it is wonderful. Do you have any advice for the fatigue? I know you said it got better, but did you find anything that really helps? Because it's something a lot of people really struggle with is always being tired and then being tired of being tired is another mental state that tends to happen.
[00:20:51] LC: Yeah. I mean, I do think that tired of being tired is a real thing. [Inaudible 00:20:55] struggle for that. Some things that helped me were managing my energy, which I know you talk about on the podcast. Just like, if you have three things that you need to get done, do them first. Don't waste that precious brain energy.
Then also, just be realistic with your expectations of yourself, because stressing out about not doing enough stuff is not going to help you have more energy. Taking breaks, definitely good. Meditation helped me. Then, I know I mentioned that I had delayed in treatment a little bit, but don't follow my lead, because I will say that now that I'm exploring more treatment options, I was waiting to see if I was going to plateau with the energy stuff. I think I have plateaued a little bit. I've been seeing some neurologists and an endocrinologist and a primary care physician, a sleep person.
[00:21:57] BP: It works.
[00:21:59] LC: To the point to get to the bottom of it. I know you talked about this before, but definitely making sure that you do get bloodwork just to check it out, because I am low on B12. It's about managing your energy. I originally started to do a prescription B12 supplement that's a 1,000 milligrams, which is quite a lot. I know you can also do the B12 shots.
After my essay, someone actually reached out to me who was recovering from a concussion and said that the B12 shots had been really helpful for her. That was one thing that made me think about it, taking my advice from strangers on the Internet. I'm only a week in, but it has been helpful so far. I would say, the biggest thing is just patience with yourself.
Another thing that I did for the fatigue was I started lifting weights, and that has been helpful. I think, it's one of the only thing that's really known to increase your metabolism and also, basically, the pace that your body is working.
[00:23:04] BP: Yeah. Your endorphins and things, you're increasing –
[00:23:07] LC: Yeah. Yeah. I would definitely recommend exercising too, which I know is difficult, because when you're so tired, then the last thing you want to do is exercise.
[00:23:16] BP: And lift weights.
[00:23:17] LC: I would say, if you are choosing a few things to do that day, that that's probably one where you're going to get a lot of bang for your buck and get the energy back that you spent.
[00:23:29] BP: Yeah. Sleeping all day is I find it can be a vicious cycle that you can almost get stuck in once you start sleeping. Almost, the more you sleep, the more tired you get. I know it doesn't sound like that's how it should work, but it is how it works. I know even for myself, after I injured my arm a few weeks ago, I slept a lot more, because of pain meds and things I was on. All of a sudden, the next week trying to get out of that, like sleeping so much. I was like, I need to get up. Wake up. Don't just stay in bed. It takes a little bit to get out of.
Something we haven't really touched on, but I do want to touch on it a little bit is the intense emotions that happen after a concussion. It's usually almost shocking to a lot of people, if you haven't dealt with any mental health issues before a concussion, the emotions that you can feel afterwards are overwhelming. You have no idea what's happening and you don't realize that you can feel that angry, or that sad, or that depressed, or anxiety-ridden. I think it's important to talk about how our emotions can feel overwhelming, but it is okay and it can get better.
[00:24:42] LC: Yeah. Part of it is that getting a concussion is almost an assault on your identity. Because you might identify as a runner, or a teacher, or a writer, reader, or yoga doer and then all of a sudden, you're basically just like, “Okay, now I'm a vegetable”, which is not a place you want to be mentally. Yeah. I think that it can be a challenge for sure. I think that it's something that can feel very abnormal, but is totally normal. Probably, we should talk more about for sure. That's one great thing about your podcast is just people talking about their experiences.
[00:25:27] BP: Yeah. Giving, as I say, it's not medical advice, but it is entertaining that I now give advice to strangers on the Internet, but at least with support group and things like that, it actually feels like I know everyone. I just want to ask, how is current life progress? I know you're doing better. You are seeing a whole network of medical professionals, which is wonderful, but can be exhausting. How do you find your current life now and how is your progress so far do you feel for your concussion recovery side of things?
[00:26:01] LC: Yeah, I'm feeling so much better now and I am going to see a whole network of medical professionals. I think now that I'm a little further out, not that I recommend delaying treatment, but I do have more patience to deal with the medical system. For example, the first neurologist I went to said that there was no way that fatigue could be connected to a concussion that was a year and a half old. I was like, I don't know that [inaudible 00:26:29] that it can.
[00:26:31] BP: Oh, yeah. I love that.
[00:26:32] LC: I just love that. Now I'm finding another neurologist. Yeah. I think that publishing my essay in Elle was really great too, just to connect with more people who have been through this experience and not feel alone, or that it's an invisible thing that you're shouldering by yourself. I know you have the support group too, which seems like a great resource for that as well. Yeah. I would say, I'm doing so much better and feeling good. Feeling good.
[00:27:06] BP: That's great. I actually wrote a piece, I think, for a long time ago now, three years ago. Wow. Time goes really fast. It went all over. I wrote it for a big journal company called Newell Floyd, which is a horseback riding publisher. It was interesting, because it's the first time I had publicly said anything about my concussion other than Facebook and the odd social media post and then I had messages from all over, and then I started this, a year after that. It's interesting how connecting with others and sharing your story can really make a big difference. Is there anything else you'd like to add before we end today's episode?
[00:27:50] LC: One thing that I was thinking about that I forgot to say is that if you're struggling with the fatigue, I think tracking how much you're sleeping is really helpful, just so you can get a sense of if it's going up, it’s going down and also tracking how you're feeling, if you're feeling more rested or not, depending on how many hours of sleep you get. Then just tracking those small wins, too. Yeah. I’ve been thinking of everyone who's going through this, because I know that it's going be – it can be a terrible thing and feel hopeless at some point. My heart goes out to all your listeners who were dealing with this.
[00:28:26] BP: Well, thank you for sharing and thank you so much for joining us today and sharing some of your life post-concussion.
[00:28:33] LC: Thank you so much. Thanks for having me. Have a great day.
[END OF INTERVIEW]
[00:28:38] BP: Has your life been affected by concussions? Join our podcast by getting in touch. Thank you so much for listening to the Post-Concussion Podcast and be sure to help us educate the world about the reality of concussions, by giving us a share. To learn more, don't forget to subscribe.
[END]
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