The Fear of Getting Another Concussion
The Fall
Here come the lights again; they turn off the siren, not wanting to spook your horse. You're lying in the dirt flat on your back, and you can't breathe.
You try to speak as loud as you can, "I'm fine, don't call 911, everything's fine", but it comes out broken and in a whisper. You had a helmet on; you always do; you've been warned enough by doctors. You had gotten on your horse your boyfriend had left; he was going to be right back. You were just walking, but something spooked your horse. It wasn't anything new he'd always been spooky, but this time ended up being different. He turned and started bucking hard. You stayed on for one, two you're on his neck, you almost get control, but he threw his head down hard and bucked again. Off you go headfirst into the dirt right in front of his feet, and you get run over. You manage to pull your phone out of your pocket and call your boyfriend but all you can get out is a broken "help."
So here they come with the super uncomfortable neck brace and the big bright yellow rock hard board. They roll you on, lift you into the ambulance, and take off.
These things are so uncomfortable, I forgot about it. How is this helping? I hate going to the hospital, especially strapped to a solid board bouncing in the back of a truck; it's terrible.
You get rushed into the hospital, and your family is already there (Learn more about family and post-concussion syndrome here). You go through the standard set of questions they always ask as you try to convince your family you're okay, and it's not your horses' fault. Once the doctor leaves, you can barely pay attention to what anyone is saying because your thoughts won't stop.
I can't believe I'm in this much pain. What were you thinking? What will happen if the pain gets worse again, you already have a headache every day. What if you can't ride again?
Trying to reassure your family the best you can, knowing on the inside that you're terrified of what's going to happen next.
The Snowmobile Accident
It's winter break; you're out sledding on the pipeline with another six or so people. There's tons of snow but is it ever freezing out. You had stopped just before a hill, nothing steep, to talk to one of your friends. You go to take off, and you come over the hill to where it starts to flatten out, and then you fly face-first into hard packed snow. You're shocked, so you stay there for a minute.
OWWWWWW did that ever hurt, my head is killing me!
You hear sleds come up and people shouting, asking if you're okay, the pain is flooding in, and the tears start to stream down your face. You push yourself up anyway to tell everyone you're alright. The guys already rolled your sled back over. You had caught the edge of a rock with the lower front bar of your sled and flipped over head first. They check on you, and you're convinced you'll be good to finish the ride back. You hop back on and get going just a lot slower than before, but it's so cold you try to push yourself.
You see fuzzy lights over the snow, your head is pounding, but you try to ignore the pain cause your body is getting cold from not moving as much. Your brain starts spiraling as you make the ride back.
What am I going to do? I can't believe I hit my head again! What does this mean? School starts again in a week, what if I can't focus again. How are you going to handle the pain?
Downplaying
It's always been my go-to, not wanting the people around me to know or feel bad for me. I was not too fond of pity looks. I also downplayed a lot because I believed if I convinced everyone else that I was okay, maybe I really would be though that never seemed to be the case for me.
The Fear
I was afraid to get hurt; living with chronic pain was already so much, not including all of the other symptoms. I was always scared that the pain would worsen, but it never prevented me from doing what I loved until I realized that maybe it should.
Do I regret some of the accidents I had while dealing with PCS? I do, and I don't. Could I have prevented them? In some ways, it's possible; in others, not so much. But I love adventure and have a slight love of adrenaline rushes.
The fear of receiving another head injury is always in the back of my thoughts as I do things like ride a sled, ski down a hill, or ride a horse. I have gotten much better at accepting that something may happen no matter how careful I am. So I wear extra protection when I do sports more than your typical person (Understanding that I can't prevent a concussion). It might seem extreme, but it takes away some of the fear and allows me to do the things I love. It's also better for my health because it improves my mental wellbeing, which is of utmost importance.
I understand if your symptoms affect your ability to do what you love, and maybe you had to quit somethings like myself but don't give up. As things improve, you will be able to do more and maybe find a new passion!
Be sure to share this article with anyone you know who may relate!
One day at a time,
Bella
