The Short Version: Who Am I?

Who am I? I wish that was an easy question to answer. Well, my name is Bella; that's the easy part. But if you walked up to me on the street and asked who are you? I would say I am a very active showjumper who reads books like crazy, but the truth is…that it would be a lie.

I used to be a showjumper.

I used to be very active.

I used to read nonstop.

Those are three things that I used to identify with the strongest, but post-concussion syndrome changed that. So who am I? Not in the my hair is dark brown or even black in certain lights. My eyes are also brown, and I'm not very tall but wouldn't consider myself short either. I have a small frame and wear glasses most days. But that's not in the way that matters!

If you asked a distant friend, they would say...

"She went to University for business and is now starting her master's in applied neuroscience this January. Bella comes from a big family and is also an auntie. She loves kids and plays like one when around them. She tends to be a slight brainiac, especially when it comes to math, and she also used to be a competitive showjumper but quit. Though she always seems happy and just loves to talk."

If you asked me, it'd be told more like this...

Beforeshe went to University, Bella spent two years of her life in bed due to being in intolerable pain and having a hard time functioning. She would get out of bed to eat something but often collapsed before making it down the stairs. Bella got small, so small that she spent 6 months in sweatpants because none of her clothes fit. One medication made it difficult to eat, and she didn't want to deal with comments when out of the house. During those two years she was told to drop out of high school and try again later, but she refused. Education was and still is important to her, and she didn't want to get behind. She was already severely depressed after having to stop everything she loved, and the constant pain broke her. She went to school for business but hadn't been to school full time in over 2 years, so the already big adjustment from high school to university was even more significant. At the time, she could barely read, let alone remember what she just read, but she graduated anyway. Though she couldn't go to class much due to the lights and noise. She decided to take more than a year offand is now starting a master's in applied neuroscience this January.

Bella comes from a big family, and she felt terrible watching them watch her struggle. Her family has been so supportive with everything she's tried, but she still hates what she's put them through. She had kept letters in her bedside table for years knowing they deserved something if she decided to take her own life. The dark clouds never wanted to lift up, but she was damn good at faking it. Bellais also an auntie, which was often the one thing that allowed in some light from all that darkness because she loves kids and plays like one when around them despite the pain. Though sometimes being around them brings on the fear of having her own. After spending hours and days taking care of them, she questions if she could 24/7. Her head to this day still hurts just less frequently, and loud noise is always a challenge. Her energy fluctuates greatly, and on certain days it runs out fast. Even now she has trouble controlling her emotions, though it is much better than it used to be.

She tends to be a slight brainiac, especially when it comes to math,making it so hard when reading is still often out of the question. She has found alternatives now, thankfully. She loves to be active, and she also used to be a competitive showjumper but quit because, after many trying attempts over 8 years, she needed to put her health first. The mental impact of leaving a sport that was intended to be her career constantly put her in a downward spiral, and she needed to focus on other ways to be happy. Despite everything, she always seems happy and just loves to talk.

"Always seems happy" is exactly why Post Concussion Inc is so important to me because to this day, I could be screaming in pain on the inside, but you'd never know. My symptoms have all reduced significantly, and over time I will show all of the things I have learned, including the mistakes I have made and the things that didn't work for me, because maybe they'll work for you.

I still have bad days, though, mentally and physically. Everything comes flooding back the anger, the hurt, the pain, the depression, and suicidal thoughts. Reminding me that no matter how hard I try, things may always be there, and no one should go through it alone.

I used to read stories about pro athletes long into their careers having issues which seemed very serious, but why could my friend have a concussion and be fine after. Where were the stories about everyone else? It's getting better, though, with more and more organizations appearing every day. Now there's a lot about me that I still have not covered but will with time. I'm not a miracle by any means, but I can say I am now living happily with post-concussion syndrome and believe you can too.

If you've never had a concussion, that's okay too! It's good to be aware of the risks, or maybe someone you know and are close to is struggling.

I can't wait to continue and grow Post Concussion Inc with you. Please be sure to follow Post Concussion Inc on one of our social media accounts for updates!

One day at a time,
Bella