Life After A Concussion | Ben Morton
Show Notes:
This conversation isn't just about the physical implications of concussion, but the emotional ones too. We unwrap the stigmatization of antidepressants, the isolation that comes with anxiety, and the deep feelings of loneliness and guilt that sometimes accompany the journey towards recovery. Ben's story is a testament to the power of a strong support system. From anxiety-induced cancellation of social events to the struggle of finding the right treatment, his candor and vulnerability shed light on an often overlooked aspect of living with a concussion.
Today, we also talk about Ben’s injury, the different therapies he has tried, what therapies and medication have worked for him, the importance of a support group, and much more! Tune in to hear more from today’s inspirational guest, Benjamin Morton!
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Please note episode transcriptions may not be 100% accurate!
Bella Paige
Host
00:05
Hi, I'm your host, Bella Paige, and welcome to the Post-Concussion Podcast. All about life after experiencing a concussion. Help us make the invisible injury become visible. The Post-Concussion Podcast is strictly an information podcast about concussions and post-concussion syndrome. It does not provide nor substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or another qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have heard on this podcast.
00:49
The opinions expressed in this podcast are simply intended to spark discussion about concussions and post-concussion syndrome.Hi everyone, welcome to episode number 123. This is a repeat episode from well over a year ago with one of our most listened to podcast episodes. This is also a special episode as Ben is coming back on the podcast for a follow up episode soon. I am so excited for a follow up series coming soon for you to hear progress from past guests who are survivors. Also, next week, on Monday, november 13th, I am giving a talk for the Brain Injury Society of Toronto, and it's free to join, so check the link in our show notes. So let's get to the new episode. Well, an old one, but a good one.
02:06
Ben suffered a TBI while on a work trip in 2015. His injured self left him bereft of his old life as he endured the loss of his living situation, romantic partner and friends and, ultimately, his independence. Ben recently moved back to Portland, oregon, where he spends his free time running, making music and petting every dog that crosses his path. Ben is by no means completely healed, nor does he operate under any assumption that he someday will be, though he is finally jumping back into the workforce. After six years of indescribable pain and hopelessness, ben wishes so badly that he could go back to 2015 and the years that fall out and speak to his old self. And while he understands that he can't, ben feels fortunate to be in a position to help others who are currently in the abyss, as he once was. Welcome to the show, ben.
Ben Morton
Host
03:01
Hey, thanks for having me, Bella.
Bella Paige
Host
03:03
So to start, do you want to tell everyone a little bit about your concussion injury?
Ben Morton
Host
03:07
Yeah, absolutely. My injury took place in New York City. It was October of 2015 and I was on a work trip and I was at what was called the New York City Pavilion. I was just floating around and it was close to my lunch break and I had a coworker notify me that there were some free sandwiches. I had a tent just like right outside the building and I love free sandwiches, I love food.
03:30
So I enthusiastically ran out the door and it was a rainy day in New York and I took a pretty sharp left turn around a brick building and ran straight into an ill-placed steel light fixture and hit the front of my head on it and then, subsequent to that, hit the back of my head on the ground below. And that was kind of the before and after line in my life, I guess, and at the time I think I was just unconscious for a very brief amount of time, just a few seconds. I remember opening my eyes and my coworker, russ, was just right beside me making sure I was okay and I thought my teeth had fallen out, like that's. What's so strange is that on impact is almost like my jaw kept going on without me and I just was like shaking out of control and that went on for an hour and a half. But luckily it was on the site of where the New York City marathon was being held.
04:21
So they had some medics on site who came over and did the pretty typical concussion check and they recommended that I go to urgent care. I did not follow that advice. I just spent the next hour trying to call my body town and went back to our listing that we were staying at in Manhattan and at the time we thought it was really kind of funny, because usually when I tell the people the story they're like, it elicits two responses. One is were you drunk, which I wasn't, I was working and I was sober and the other being if I ever got to eat the sandwich, which unfortunately I didn't get to do that.
Bella Paige
Host
04:56
Yeah, well, it's so interesting because injuries they just happen everywhere. Whenever people hear concussions, they think sports or something. It's like the first thing they come to the mind, and I always have to remind them that it's really not just sports, it's every walk of life, like you walking around a corner and it's kind of everywhere, and we don't always realize that it's falls and slips walking into things, things flying in the air at us. We've had quite a variety of guests so far with a variety of injuries. And you said you didn't go to ER, which actually isn't that rare. A lot of people don't, because they don't realize that anything's that serious. They're like oh well, I didn't feel great, but it's not like I had a broken bone, so why would I go yeah, exactly, yeah.
05:45
So the mindset's different. So you said that's kind of when your life changed. So what kind of life changes did you deal with since your injury?
Ben Morton
Host
05:53
Yeah, so shortly after that I went back to Portland a few days after and my family and close friends knew something was off. I was having sensitivity to light. I couldn't work at my computer. That was where my jaw was being. I read a computer about eight to 10 hours a day. I couldn't do that.
06:08
I was having brain fog and unfortunately for me, that resulted in me having to eventually resign from my job and move back in with my parents down in Salem, which was just an hour south of where I'd been living and gone to college and worked. But yeah, I guess the experience for me was I at first I was dealing with sensitivity to light and brain fog, some nausea, some of those classic symptoms, I think, and then those, for the most part, really started to clear up in about a month or two. But I was still having these awful headaches and almost felt like an ice pick in my neck, and those were the two most clear symptoms, along with some vision problems. I was diagnosed with some pretty severe conversions insufficiency, unfortunately, the headaches and the neck pain and the vision those ones I still deal with daily. But I'm able to manage them much, much better.
Bella Paige
Host
06:57
Yeah for sure. Having to resign from work is hard, and especially moving back in with your parents. I'm sure you can attest Once you've lived on your own. I know I've moved back in with my parents when I got sick and then also when I was in between houses, and that was the worst thing. Yeah, totally, it's great, but it's like you're so used to having your own space and all of a sudden that's gone.
Ben Morton
Host
07:29
I love my parents. It's like a hit.
Bella Paige
Host
07:30
Yeah, yeah, that's what's tough, it doesn't matter. You can love them and still not want to live.
Ben Morton
Host
07:35
No, and thanks mom and dad for all of your support. But yeah, they're the sweetest folks. But yeah, I think that's just a really huge adjustment to make when you've already, as you said, have left the nest.
Bella Paige
Host
07:47
Yeah, I love my parents, and even living with them isn't that bad, but it's still not the same. So after that injury and then symptoms started to continue, what type of therapies have you tried?
Ben Morton
Host
08:00
So I saw a few doctors right off the bat and they typically gave me painkillers, which is really terrible, and I hate to know that right now there's people who are having concussions and that's the first thing they're being treated with. I was often prescribed with physical therapy, which is great. I think that's oftentimes a great place to start, but I did that. Luckily, I was able to eventually leave the painkillers. I couldn't sleep Before the injury. I could sleep so well. It was just something that came so easily.
08:27
I took some benzodiazepines. I was on Ativan and I guess that's what's really still sad sometimes is if I go through a really hard time with pain. I got to revisit that medication which, unfortunately, on top of the brain fog you already have from a concussion, it's just kind of compounds. That and I guess I would say is if you can avoid benzos, please do Along with that outside of, I guess, in the medication realm. Yeah, I did Botox, imetrex, amavig. Not a whole lot of success with any of those and not to this way. They knew I'm from trying them. I think they can be really beneficial for certain people. But I did chiropractic care, I did vision therapy. I saw an acupuncturist probably the most bizarre treatment I got. He sliced my foot with a scalpel, thinking it would relieve pressure in my head. So yeah, I don't know. He's not sure if he's a sadist or something.
Bella Paige
Host
09:13
I never had that happen. No, I've done acupuncture with electrodes, so they did needles pulse, but no knives.
Ben Morton
Host
09:23
No knives, I know, I'm just curious, like let's try something. That was the last time I saw that, yeah, such a long list of treatments, that, yeah, a lot of medications I'm trying to think any depressants. I went on several antidepressants that oftentimes I think like those are tough because they it was just like a side effect was wasn't even their main purpose. Sorry, I've not to get muddy in that, but yeah, you're not the only one.
Bella Paige
Host
09:49
A lot of survivors, lots of people go on antidepressants. Lots of people consider it and then don't go that way and it's tough because there's a lot of stigma around it, but they really can help and I definitely think they exist for a reason. And so out of all the things you tried, like getting your foot kind of open that reminds me so the craziest one I ever went to I called it a witch doctor and she was an allergy specialist and my dad had been told by a few people that she had, like, cured things for them. You know, our family members are distant cousins and he's like, well, it's worth a shot. So we went to this lady's house and she had all these vials and so I thought I was going to get tested with all these things and it seemed like a good way to reduce some symptoms, because we figured maybe I'm allergic to some things and if we can reduce anything in my life for my brain just to calm down, then it was worth it.
10:49
So all these vials and what she did she held my hands. I had to hold my thumb and two of my fingers together and then she would tap the vials on my wrist, but she didn't open them. They were sealed. And then, if my hand broke open, she said I had a reaction. But like I always felt like she was forcing my fingers to open and my face during this, like this was a few hours and my dad's sitting in the corner and he's like laughing and he's like she doesn't really believe in this stuff. She's pretty scientific base, Like I like evidence based theories and he's laughing so hard in the corner. And then at the end she took all these vials, put them on some metal plate and then tap me with a wand.
11:32
Oh my God, You're like that really helps, okay, I like wanted to just run out but like we paid, like this was not cheap and it wasn't what my dad thought it was. It wasn't what I thought it was Allergy specialist. This was not expected, but it's so funny because the things that you're willing to try when you're suffering is just pretty much anything Like. You're just like oh yeah, why not, Right? Oh?
Ben Morton
Host
12:00
my gosh. I bumped up against that every time, which was like I was at the end of my rope and I really was just willing to try everything in it. It's kind of a dangerous thought to be, because I don't know, my parents always had the expression like when you have a hammer, everything's a nail, and I think I'd go to see people who really their expertise was not within the realm of head injuries and TVIs, but yet they felt very confident.
Bella Paige
Host
12:20
It's funny because what I learned was, anytime I walked into a new medical professional or professional of some sort, if the first thing they said within the first 20 minutes was that they could 100% make me better and I wouldn't have to worry about this anymore, I would never see them again because that was too confident for me.
12:44
You're like the science isn't there yet. That's a lot of confidence. How about you just tell me you're going to help, but don't tell me you know 100% this will all be better? And it's like okay, I've been doing this for a long time. I've seen specialists talk to some of the top researchers in the world and that makes me nervous. No, never someone tells you I'm going to fix you maybe go in the other direction.
Ben Morton
Host
13:08
Quick way to tease out the liars yeah.
Bella Paige
Host
13:11
So, out of all the crazy things you tried, what do you think helped best?
Ben Morton
Host
13:16
Gosh, you know kind of like what you're saying. There was never like a quick flipping of the switch. And it's so strange talking to you now because I imagine if you took Ben from 2016 and had him listening to this, he'd be like what, what did he try? Like I need, he's looking for that epiphany and I wish I could just give one thing. That's been like a breakthrough. Yeah, you and I talked about this, but like a head injury is such a multi-headed monster and for me, my, my symptoms were like headaches, neck pain, jaw pain, brain fog, vision. So I think for the neck, there's this thing called an oxy pivot. But it's really great if you want traction on your neck and if you're like me, you just want to purchase something that's cheap. That's like, hey, maybe that could help and that's what you're looking for. That's a great place to start and I think my sister and my mom for introducing me to that.
14:00
I think running I couldn't run after my injury. That was something I really enjoyed before, any form of exercise really but after a year or two after my injury, I was able to run again without throwing up and being really dizzy. Exercise is huge, I think. Now there's so much knowledge and literature around your autonomic nervous system and trying to calm down your body, because I think if you've had a head injury, typically you're just like always over-adrenalized and I think exercise is a great way to get back to a more stable place. I think that's huge. It's tough with some of these things because some of these, I guess treatments you can't really pursue until maybe you're replaced at do them again. But another thing is reading, if you can. I couldn't read after my injury, as well as Me neither.
14:46
Yeah, and it's still a struggle. But there's one book called Back in Control that was kind of my pain Bible, as well as the Body Keeps a Score. That one's a little more popular and I think the more you can learn about obviously specifically head injuries, because it's as huge as you can get, as specific with that as possible, but also just pain and realizing why and trying to carry on with your life with that pain. It's hard but I think there's a lot of professionals and both those books helped me immensely in that realm.
Bella Paige
Host
15:14
You know what, If it works for you. I believe that's all that matters and I think it's important to share everything. I know there was one point doctors had me in a neck brace. Actually, Whenever my headaches were really bad, they would want me to wear a neck brace for like a certain amount of time to relieve pressure off my neck, and I do remember it helping.
15:34
but also I did not like wearing the neck brace because I found them so uncomfortable when I had a lot of neck problems At the start. It did relieve a lot of pressure, especially in the back of my head. I would feel it after I wore the neck brace it would feel better. And so you know what, sometimes those little things are worth trying because they don't have a lot of negative consequences if they don't work.
15:58
So it doesn't really matter if you try it or you don't, but it doesn't hurt you, which I kind of like. Those types of things. I talk about those lots on the podcast. It's nice to try things that have a limited side effect, because if they're like me, I get every side effect in the book and it's nice that you share all of the books and things like that. Like you said, understanding what you're going through can be really helpful and it can be really helpful for the mental side of things, and we're actually going to get into the mental side of things next.
16:33
But with that we're going to take a quick break. Support the podcast. If you truly love the podcast, please consider supporting us through our tip jar. Find us support the podcast link in our episode description. All tips are greatly appreciated. Welcome back to the Post Concussion Podcast with myself Bella Paige and today's guest, Ben Morton. Something we're going to talk about now is the emotional side of things, because it's kind of my favorite part of all this, because I don't think it's talked about enough, and so you already mentioned that not being able to sleep was something you weren't expecting. What else surprised you about experiencing a concussion?
Ben Morton
Host
17:24
Yeah, I'm so glad we're talking about this. This is always the stuff that I want there to be more light shed on. But I think for me it was so tough, belle. It was like I was so social prior to my injury, not only with my coworkers but with my family and my close friends, and that's really tough. I think I had some personality changes and along with those I would just become so anxious and so depressed and I think I definitely had some history with anxiety and depression, but nothing to that extent and that severity.
17:52
But after my injury I would go to hang out with friends and I would be so rattled it was almost like I was going to present. I never loved public speaking, so I think that's how my body treated it. Even if I was going to go see two friends, I would never before get nervous around. I would just be shaking almost uncontrollably and sadly. That would result in me just either canceling or showing up for just 10 minutes and having to just bow out and go to a dark room with like an ice pack or a warm compress. And I think that's the saddest thing about this injury sometimes is it's really lonely and I think I felt a lot of shame and guilt around my injury. I think I still do and I'm working on that. I definitely need to continue going to therapy for that. But yeah, I think that's the toughest part is you just want to connect with humans and this injury because it's so lonely but you almost can. It's like your body and your mind are huge hindrance to that. And yeah, sorry not to.
Bella Paige
Host
18:44
No, no, it's okay, we get really dark and deep. Yeah, I know.
Ben Morton
Host
18:48
I guess, a lot.
Bella Paige
Host
18:49
Actually, as my brother told me, he's like some of it's really dark and some of it's not.
18:53
I'm like, yeah, it's a happy balance because that's kind of what the injury is and, like you said, it is very isolating and it really can be because, well, one your brain is kind of telling you that you're usually the only person on the world experiencing this. I don't know how that happens, but that's often how it feels. It kind of feels like everyone else around you is carrying on and you're not and you can't, and no matter what you do, or maybe you push really hard for a few months or a few weeks and then you crash and then you realize that you're not healthy and you know it's a vicious cycle that you can get put in with this and is really tough to deal with and the emotional things are not easy. And one of my favorite things that you actually said to me when we talked before was that you couldn't see the next page in the book and I really liked that line and I think it was a really good way to explain this. And do you want to touch a little bit on how that felt?
Ben Morton
Host
19:51
Yeah, you know I can't help but think of my family and my girlfriend now my close friends. It's like I always tell them, like they helped me see through to the next page. And I'll be really candid about I had some suicidal lows. I did. I didn't want to live and early on in the injury I was wearing the same clothes all the time. I wasn't seeing my friends, I smelled bad. I had the luxury and the safety net of my parents to keep me from having to deal with the really harder consequence of having to be withdrawn from your life. But I think I just owe so much to them I can't report to be where I'm at today because of myself, like it's. I feel like they put me on their backs and I owe those people that support group, that support system, sorry to help me see through to that next page. And I think you're right.
20:36
Like I, there's so many times in this injury you just have to chop up your time, like I guess I'm just going to wake up tomorrow and be excited about coffee, and or maybe you can't have coffee because this injury, but sometimes I couldn't, and so maybe it's like I'm just going to wake up tomorrow and like, go listen to some birds outside. And there's a lot of moments like that from me where it's like how do I wake up that next day I have no purpose? You know, I felt robbed of these parts of my life and it's not because you look around and all your friends get to carry on with things and they're getting married or getting jobs and doing all of the instrumental things in life that are really fun to celebrate that you're missing out on. But I guess on that I just say trust the timing. I always see that like it's on the internet somewhere, but just trust the timing of your life, which is a little silly, but really it's. It's a huge sentiment that I think we all need to absorb.
Bella Paige
Host
21:22
Yeah, and I like that you mentioned how supportive your family was, because I mentioned that a few times on the show that my family was overly supportive. You know, they're always checking on if I was okay. They're always trying to find therapies and things for me to go to. They're still like that to this day. They're always kind of checking in and something that we offer now is King Cushion Connect and that is a support group for everyone, because some people don't have that family, we don't all have that support network, so we're trying to create that virtually across the world instead, so that people still have someone to reach out to and someone who understands what you're going through. Because, despite the fact that I had that support group, they didn't understand and they tried Like they tried very hard to know what I was going through, but they couldn't know, they didn't go through it, and so at least they didn't go through it the same way. They definitely went through some of it.
Ben Morton
Host
22:21
Yeah, no, absolutely no. That's huge. I'm so glad you're doing it.
Bella Paige
Host
22:25
Yeah, and you mentioned the suicidal thoughts and things and a lot of people who've listened to the show know that I am an attempted suicide survivor and I think it's important for people to realize that you can have that support network and still feel that way. It's not. People always think, oh, you have a great family, you have siblings, you have a partner Like why were you depressed? And people don't always understand that those things are great and they can help you pull out of those deep thoughts, but they don't always prevent them. So lots of people in your life that might be suffering. It's important to check in on them because just because it seems like they have a big support network doesn't mean like they're feeling okay.
Ben Morton
Host
23:09
Yeah, absolutely.
Bella Paige
Host
23:11
You said you felt robbed. Can you explain a little bit more of how that felt?
Ben Morton
Host
23:17
Yeah, I think I just was. So I had grown so accustomed to my life you know just the routine of it and having the job. At the time I was in a relationship and I lived with my brother and his amazing wife and I sort of just had this like life that I'd come to know in Portland and slowly all of that was ripped from me.
23:37
And I think now I can speak in a way. It was so difficult at the time, it was really bitter at the time and I think I saw myself strictly as a victim and I think there was a lot of that mentality. But I also think there's just so much hurt and there's so much pain and I was covered in a lot of lies about myself and I think everyone does this to an extent. But we kind of measure ourselves up to the people and I think it's really difficult when you have nothing to report. With this injury, it's like you're just trying to like, hold your ground, you're just trying to hold steady as best you can and you're treading water. And I think that's what's tough is you talk to people who maybe months later want to reconnect and they have all these fun things, these shiny things to report, and you probably are just excited to be there, you know, talking to them, and not just having like an ice pack on your neck in the dark or whatnot. That's fair.
Bella Paige
Host
24:26
How was your week? My week was in bed, so you know that it's tough. I know I had a tough time with it. I had a lot of anger and resentment towards a lot of those things. And it's tough because you say like you kind of feel like all these moments in your life are supposed to happen at that point and then they don't. And it's a really common feeling right now, with COVID and all that's going on in the world right now, that the world is like living with a concussion and you are isolated and you are distant from people and you don't have that much to report on because you haven't done that much.
Ben Morton
Host
25:05
Well exactly, there's no pretending. I think that kind of leveled the playing field of like OK, now we can all stop pretending and putting up the facade.
Bella Paige
Host
25:14
Yeah, for sure. And so you went through all that, and it's been a few years. So where are you at now? How are things?
Ben Morton
Host
25:22
Yeah, I'm living back in Portland, which is so exciting. Even a year ago, bella, if you asked me that, I'd be like there's no way. So I'm living back in Portland. I still talk to my parents. We're still close. It's not like the way we cut ties. I'm starting a new job actually Monday it's just about four or five days from now and that's the first time I've jumped back into the workforce.
25:42
In about six years I've done little silly jobs of like watching people's houses and walking dogs and things like that, but this is a huge win for me in that world and it's for anyone listening who would like feels like oh, I don't have a job, so my worth isn't there. That's so not true. I can't say that enough. It's weird. I'm going to work again but I realized my worth didn't like maybe there was a temporary boost in my like serotonin, but I'm not like. Oh my gosh, my worth is back and I'm riding off into the sunset. So there's not that. But I am living with my amazing girlfriend who tolerates my symptoms. That's not really sweet and I am socially immersed in a way that I wasn't years ago, which is great.
Bella Paige
Host
26:25
I think it's so great that you're getting back to work and you're right. A lot of the time I think it's just a society thing, especially in North America, that your career is who you are. A lot of people put a lot of identity on their career, like if this is what they do for a living. That tells you everything about them and it's definitely not true. But it's definitely a common misconception about how our world runs. I know it's like when you first meet someone or you talk to someone within the first hour one of the things they ask is what do you do for a living? It's such a common question and I don't think people think much about it. It's just like what do you do? Because you know everyone works and we can't all work all the time.
27:09
I've had to take a lot of breaks from a lot of things and, like I told my girlfriend the other day because I ended up in the hospital, I said I wouldn't like my health to stop directing where my life can go. And it's tough sometimes and things get better and things improve Like I never thought I'd be doing this. But things can improve, things can get better, but it is a roller coaster to get there, and you just have to keep going one day at a time. So, ben, is there anything else you would like to add before we end today's episode?
Ben Morton
Host
27:42
You know, I think I'll just ask people to be gentle with themselves and extend some grace to themselves. I know that's hard. I'm still working on that, I think. Just be so patient, just be patient with yourself and try to, just as you said, take it day by day and take as much pressure off of yourself as you can, because it really is a marathon and it's going to be some ups and downs. It's just the good things will come and yeah, just hang in there please.
Bella Paige
Host
28:07
Well, I just want to thank you so much for joining us today and sharing your life post concussion.
Ben Morton
Host
28:14
Hey, thank you so much for having me, Bella.
Bella Paige
Host
28:19
Has your life been affected by concussions? Join our podcast by getting in touch. Thank you so much for listening to the post concussion podcast and be sure to help us educate the world about the reality of concussions by giving us a share To learn more. Don't forget to subscribe.
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