Breaking Down Barriers with Jamie Martin
Show Notes:
Feelings of guilt amongst people with post concussion syndrome are very common; guilt around not participating in events, not being able to take care of their families, not being able to work, and so on. Today on the podcast I’m joined by Jamie Martin, a concussion survivor who knows these guilty feelings all too well, and has some valuable advice to share around the importance of giving yourself grace, setting boundaries, and breaking down the barriers which prevent you from being honest about how you are feeling. Jamie was working full-time and studying when she began to struggle with post-concussion syndrome. In this episode she candidly shares the inner turmoil she experienced when her quality of life was drastically reduced post-concussion, including the suicidal thoughts which plagued her, and how she managed to work through these struggles and come out smiling on the other side!
Key Points From This Episode:
• Jamie’s experience with concussions, and the symptoms which she struggled with afterwards.
• The importance of having honest conversations about what you are going through.
• Concessions that Jamie received while she was studying because of her post concussion syndrome.
• Apps which helped Jamie through her studies.
• Different types of therapists that Jamie went to over a two year period.
• Why Jamie decided to make the very difficult decision to quit her job.
• Comparing the anxiety and depression Jamie experienced pre and post her concussion.
• My own mental health struggles that I am currently dealing with.
• Suicidal thoughts that Jamie has had in the past.
• Advice for handling the all-consuming nature of depression.
• The moment that Jamie knew she needed to start taking antidepressants.
• Jamie’s current mental health state.
• Value that lies in connecting with other people who have gone through a similar experience to you.
• You are not alone!
Follow Post Concussion Inc on Social Media to stay up to date on the podcast
Transcript - Click to Read
[INTRODUCTION]
[0:00:05.3] BP: Hi, I’m your host Bella Paige and welcome to The Post Concussion Podcast. All about life after experiencing a concussion. Help us make the invisible injury become visible.
The Post Concussion Podcast is strictly an information podcast about concussions and post-concussion syndrome. It does not provide nor substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or another qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.
Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have heard on this podcast. The opinions expressed in this podcast are simply intended to spark discussion about concussion and post-concussion syndrome.
Welcome to today’s episode of The Post Concussion Podcast with myself Bella Paige and today’s guest Jamie Martin. Jamie grew up in Utah as the oldest of three children, growing up in a beautiful mountain town instilled a deep appreciation for nature. She enjoys hiking, biking, water skiing, snow skiing and scuba diving. She went on to earn a bachelor's degree in athletic training and a masters in educational leadership.
Jamie poured her heart into her career as an athletic trainer and teacher and became incredibly passionate about concussion education and mental health advocacy. She is currently taking medical leave to recover from her PCS but is looking forward to find ways to serve the community and those experiencing physical and mental health challenges.
[INTERVIEW]
[0:01:52.0] BP: Welcome to the show Jamie.
[0:01:53.8] JM: Thanks for having me Bella. I really appreciate it, it is an honor.
[0:01:58.2] BP: To start, do you want to tell everyone a bit about your concussion injury?
[0:02:03.0] JM: I’ve had several. I think I had a bunch when I was younger that were just not diagnosed because we didn’t know, I didn’t know. I’ve had two pretty significant ones in the past five years. The one that I had in 2006, I got hit in the back of the head with a volleyball and at that time, kind of the main things that I was dealing with was light and noise sensitivity and reading comprehension because I was in a middle of a master’s program.
Then nine months after that, I had kind of a nervous breakdown and I then had pretty significant anxiety for about six months. That slowly subsided and then in 2018, I had three subsequent injuries within a 36-hour timeframe. I’m kind of a disaster. The first one, I got hit in the back of my head with my car door and then that night in the shower, I got water in my eye, which has happened a million times but for some reason, my brain couldn’t process it and I whipped my head back so I had a whiplash injury and then the night after that, I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and ran into our raw iron bedpost with my forehead.
There were three pretty significant hits within a short period of time. I think not only did I have a concussion but I think it’s also likely that I also suffered from second impact syndrome from subsequent head blows in such a short time.
[0:03:43.1] BP: For sure. Well, you’re definitely not a disaster, you’re just accident prone, so am I.
[0:03:49.3] JM: Yup.
[0:03:50.9] BP: I always made jokes, I never got injured severely in any other part of my body, it was always my head and it was always so funny because people would always ask, “You never got any other injuries?” I would be like, “Nope, just my head” every single time. That’s really important that you mentioned being young because when you didn’t realize that you had head injuries, it seems to be a really common problem today. Even actually as we’re recording yesterday’s guest that came on the podcast, Stephanie, she didn’t get diagnosed until later because that’s what happened when we were younger years ago.
Nobody said anything so you just have to carry on with your life and maybe you were dealing with symptoms, maybe you didn’t realize why you were dealing with symptoms. That episode 41 if anyone else does want to take a listen but I also went to this school thing. You were on your master’s program and I know master’s programs have a lot of reading and they’re very intense. How did you manage to get through school? Do you have any tips?
[0:04:57.4] JM: Yes, one of the biggest things that I hope for is that people can learn to advocate for themselves and instead of feeling like a burden, feel empowered to educate people around them about their struggles. I think if you don’t have honest conversations about how you’re feeling and how hard it is, it is hard for people to meet you where you are at and I went and saw a concussion specialist and he gave me a note to give to my program explaining what happened.
They were able to give me extended time on assignments and I actually took a six-week break in the middle of the program just because at that time, I was also working probably 50 or more hours a week as an athlete trainer and as a teacher and so I was running off of probably four to five hours of sleep at that point which is not enough time for brain to recover. The thing that was difficult was getting out the courage to ask them for an exception or for extended deadlines and they were wonderful, really, really accommodating.
I’ve come across a couple of things since then as a teacher that I think are super helpful. There are apps out there where you can take pictures or scan papers that you have or articles that are online that will read them to you. For me, reading is super taxing because of my visual processing challenges and so, being able to find apps that can read material to me or listen to books on tape, instead of reading was really helpful.
I also was wearing tinted lenses so I had FL41s which help with fluorescent light and also screen brightness. I also put night time filters on both my phone and my computer so it actually dims down the brightness of your computer to allow you less stimulation so hopefully you can be on longer. Those were the things that I think were the most helpful for me. I also use a tracer, which I don’t know if that’s even a correct term but a blank piece of paper to put across your page so that you're only reading line by line so your eyes and your brain don’t get lost on the page.
That was another thing that was immensely helpful and even today, I’ve used it at times when I want to be reading for long periods of time and all of those things helped with my reading comprehension but I did really struggle. I mean, I would read an article three or four times and would have a really difficult time regurgitating any of the information. I do think just taking the time to let your brain heal before getting back into heavy academics is really important.
[0:08:02.3] BP: Yeah, that break is essential but it’s really hard to take. I think it’s great that you mention all those accommodations. All of a sudden, you have to deal with all these symptoms and we actually do have a concussion school toolkit and I will make sure to put a link in our episode description for everyone but sometimes we need that extra help like accommodations. Sometimes we don’t really want to take it because it feels like we’re getting an extra edge but if you need that extra time, then it’s not an extra advantage.
You’re making it so that you can be successful too which is so important and I love your tracer idea. It’s really easy, you can do it with a piece of paper and glasses. I also wear my TheraSpecs and I also use different colored paper. I found yellow paper, green paper, all those are a lot easier to read on and I definitely get not being able to understand what you just read or remember it because I used to be able to read a page and not remember it at all and I used to get really frustrated and it took me a long time to be like, “That’s okay, this is how it works, right now.”
[0:09:13.2] JM: Absolutely. I think giving yourself grace and having self-compassion and patience for yourself as you adapt to having new abilities is incredibly important.
[0:09:26.4] BP: Yeah, it’s definitely super important. You went through school which is wonderful and you’ve got help from a concussion specialist. What have you tried to help in your recovery with that? What did you do?
[0:09:40.1] JM: The concussion specialist that I saw for my 2016 concussion, I’ll be honest, I was not a very good patient. I was working 60 hours a week, taking time off was really, really difficult. They would have to bring in outside athletic trainers to cover events and it made me feel really guilty.
The concussion I had in 2016, I was not very good at advocating for myself and creating healthy boundaries in terms of what I could tolerate and I do think I paid the price for that and that could be part of the reason why the concussion I got in 2018 was so bad. The concussion that I got in 2018, I did a much better job of taking care of myself. I immediately got referred into multiple different therapies.
I saw an OT for my visual processing challenges, I saw a woman for vertigo, I saw someone for cervicogenic headaches. I went to a neuropsychologist who was super amazing. I got headache treatment. I did, I would say, what was probably considered standard physical therapy for a concussion, for about two years. Was able to – for lack of a better word, graduated from those programs because they were functional enough in my daily life.
I think the struggle that I had was even though I was deemed to functional, I could walk, I could do things around the house, I wasn’t back to my standard of living, able to do the physical activities that I wanted to, I still wasn’t able to work full-time and at that point in time, I felt like, in order to not get worse and to continue to get better, I needed to stop working.
I actually quit my job as a teacher and I’m in the process of taking what will probably be about two years off to fully recover and the therapy was really helpful in getting me back to functionality in my daily life but to truly have moments of being symptom free and getting to do things beyond activities of daily living, taking that time away from work was 100% necessary.
[0:12:04.5] BP: I like that you mentioned the word guilt because it’s actually crazy to think that we feel guilty for something that we can’t control. You can’t control your health when it comes to a lot of these things. We do it so often, we feel really guilty for non-work things, not participating in events, not taking care of the home or not going out for dinner. All these things that we usually do, you all of a sudden feel guilty that you can’t.
It can definitely be really hard to get through and you have to accept that this is your health and putting your health first shouldn’t make you feel guilty because it’s so important and especially for the long term because I was that patient, I was terrible. Then it definitely affected me a lot longer than it probably should have because of it, you took time off work. You're not the first because we’ve had to take the time off.
How’s that going? How do you keep busy? What do you do? Because I find that’s a really hard thing for a lot of people who take some time off as well.
[0:13:12.0] JM: Absolutely. I think that ties right back into guilt. I experienced, I would say, immense grief around leaving my job. I loved my job and I would say, a good amount of my self-worth as a person was tied to the work that I did because I felt like I was being of service and taking time off away from that was very scary and I really struggled with finding self-worth outside of going to work.
I think that same could be said for an athlete or a student where if you have a part of your life that you have heavily invested in to step away from that, there’s a really immense grief process in letting go of such a large part of your life. Mentally and emotionally, it was very challenging. I had a personal counselor that I had seen even before this concussion and I was seeing her twice a week at times just to cope with what was happening.
She was amazing and she really helped reinforce the importance of putting myself first and how if I want to be able to serve in that capacity that I’m so driven to do, I can’t do that if I’m not well. Even though I felt like I was able to do my job, pretty well, all things considered, even though I was in a wide brimmed hat and sunglasses and in ear plug, managing 30 children, running around crazy in PE and health, it was important for me to realize that this self-care of stepping away from work was not selfish, it was self-sustaining.
That was really important and I still am trying to figure out how to go back to work in some capacity at this point. It’s a long road but I don’t think that I would have enable to get symptom-free for our vast majority of my time had I not stepped away from work and I have friends who aren’t able to do that from a financial standpoint who still struggle immensely with symptoms and so I would say, if you have the ability to take time off of those four, you have the ability to take time away from school or from your job. I cannot stress how important that time is.
[0:15:42.3] BP: Yeah, that’s some really great advice and it just shows that that, who am I, is such a thing, that you kind of lose identity with all this when you start taking things away like your job or a sport as you mentioned and I remember I went through that a lot and I went to think, “Well now, who am I?”
“I used to always be that girl who showed and jumped horses and that’s what I did all day and that’s what I thought about and now that’s not me. Now, what do I do? Who am I?” That is something that tends to bring on a lot of mental health issues and mental illness things and we’re going to talk about that next and with that, we’re going to take a quick break.
[BREAK]
[0:16:33.3] BP: I just wanted to say thank you. The podcast is just over six months old and I couldn’t be happier with the response. If you truly love the podcast, please consider leaving a tip in our support the podcast tip jar found at the bottom of our episode description. All tips are greatly appreciated and help cover the cost of the show.
[INTERVIEW CONTINUED]
[0:16:56.0] BP: Welcome back to the Post Concussion Podcast with myself, Bella Paige, and today’s guest, Jamie Martin. Something we’re going to get a little bit more into is mental health and it’s actually my favorite subject as you all know. I think that’s because it takes over every aspect of your life and it’s really important to talk about. Do you want to go from there, Jamie?
[0:17:20.1] JM: Absolutely. I think this kind of connects to before, where when you’re leaving a job or you lose a part of your identity, a sport, academics, your work, that really does challenge your mental health. In addition to that, I also had really significant depression and PTSD. I had had depression and anxiety off and on since I was in high school and had been on medication for a bit of time but was able to get off of it.
The depression and the PTSD that I experienced with my concussion was nothing I’d ever experienced before. It was so deep and crippling. I really struggled to function in my daily life and I struggled to find research or stories that supported what I was going through. One of the things I really struggled with was identity.
At my worst, I would describe it as a crazy person who I don’t know was behind the wheel of my life and was impulsive and wanted to burn everything that I had spent my life building to the ground. To have your brain have impulses and thoughts and feelings that are so different than the person that you believe yourself to be is incredibly terrifying. I mean, I didn’t know if I was getting like another personality, if I was developing multiple personality disorder or if it was bipolar. I mean, I remember sitting down and taking multiple mental health assessments for us to try and figure out what was happening in my brain.
It just ended up being really severe PTSD and I did research about it and the most information I found is around veterans and it was hard for me to connect what I was feeling to stories of people that had been to war because I hadn’t been to war. I mean, there wasn’t anything acutely traumatic about the environment in which I lived in and yet my brain was experiencing trauma from almost every direction in my life.
That was really, really terrifying. If there is one thing that I can give as advice is if you are struggling with your mental health and don’t seem to have or can’t seem to find a representation of what you are going through, please have faith that the challenges that you are experiencing are because of your brain. It is not because you are a bad person. It is not because you don’t love your family.
It is not because you don’t want to be in your life, it is 100% because of your brain chemistry and trauma done to your brain and I can’t stress that enough. I had so much guilt in my life about feeling like a different person like not the person that my husband married and I think the guilt on top of the depression and PTSD was just another layer of suffering that wasn’t necessary.
[0:21:07.9] BP: It really is. I like to call it consuming. It’s really like everything takes over and it really can be terrifying and especially depending on your depression, if you have suicidal aspects, it almost feels like you are fighting with yourself to be alive. It is a really weird thing to explain but it is. It’s like half of you was telling yourself to be here, while the other half is giving you absolutely every reason to not be here.
Like you said, it is not like you don’t love your family and it is crazy how powerful those thoughts can be and how controlling they can be and how consuming it is. I know my brain would just become so overwhelmed that I couldn’t think of anything else and everything starts spiraling and it takes a lot of time to go through all of that and overcome it and it is something else we talked about, if you do overcome it, which you definitely can, it doesn’t go away permanently.
It’s like as we explained, the ball in the box theory that I like to use, you have a ball, a box, the button, which is your mental illness, and they never leave the box so sometimes things can trigger you and sometimes they can be shocking. What triggers you could be something small. Something someone says in a conversation, it’s something you hear and all of a sudden your brain is flooding with thoughts and it’s really hard to slow down.
Because if you’re like me, you get really mad, like I am back in therapy right now for my mental health and one of the first things she asked was, “Why am I here?” and I had to say, “I’m mad,” and I really am because I’ve been doing really well with my mental health and a few things triggered it to just instantly kind of spiral down and that’s how mental health works and the mental illness and it’s a roller coaster.
When you need help, you have to learn when to get it, where to find it, which is definitely really essential to doing better and getting through it.
[0:23:17.2] JM: Yeah, you touched on a bunch of really great points and I do want to speak to suicide. That is something that I really struggled with. It was in the forefront of my mind and looking back, I don’t think I wanted to commit suicide because I wanted to die. I wanted to commit suicide because I couldn’t imagine a future where I was living in the chaos and fear every day. I just couldn’t imagine living like that long-term.
On top of that, I wanted to give my family an out. I mean, I am married to a wonderful human being and he walked with me the whole way and I remember thinking at times, “He deserves a better life than this and if he is too good of a man to leave me, suicide would be giving him a fresh start that he deserved,” that I didn’t know would be possible for us and I am so grateful for my counseling and I ended up getting on antidepressants, which was really huge.
Because like you said, your brain can give you a million reasons not to make it until tomorrow and you just have to find that small piece of light or hope or resilience in your brain and focus on just that one or two reasons to keep going. I have nieces and nephews and children of friends of ours who I am very close to and I love very much and one of the things that kept me going was I would never want to put them through the trauma of losing someone that they love.
Focusing on that was really helpful for me and even though I would like to say I choose not to commit suicide for myself, it wasn’t true and I think you really have to focus on getting through those dark times for any positive reason possible and then do the work to try and decrease those triggers or find positive things to balance that darkness and I think that really helped.
[0:25:47.7] BP: Yeah, I like that. You mentioned, I always call it a burden, the feeling. I felt it a lot more when I was teenager because I am one of four, so I have a lot of siblings and my parents were constantly focused on me because I was the sick one and I was old enough to understand that I was the sick one and that I was the one getting all the attention and so what happened was that I built up a giant wall around me.
A big giant brick wall and that was actually probably one of the worst things I did because when I did attempt to take my own life, no one had any idea it was coming because I had built up that wall. Don’t build up your wall, try to keep it open and even if it is one person, there is one person, all you can do is text them, maybe they’ll Facetime you and like my best friend whenever I am doing really, really bad, what she does makes me get up and do things around the house.
I can honestly say she has saved my life. She’ll be like, “Get up, make toast.” “I don’t want to make toast,” I’ll say, and she’ll be like, “You’re making toast anyways.” Because sitting in bed, crying or having anxiety attacks isn’t helping me, so she’ll be like, “Get up, let’s do something.” I remember she was like, “Make soup,” and I was like, “I already make soup. I didn’t like it,” and she’s like, “Well, we’re making another one,” and things like that and it really does make a huge difference.
That is also why we’re here. We have the Instagram page which is always open for free messages and there’s lots of hotlines out there and it can really make a huge difference just to talk to someone else and they’re not going to get mad at you. Find someone who is just going to keep you busy and get your mind on something else, where you could talk about the weather or something else in your life and it really helps.
[0:27:40.0] JM: Yeah, Bella we are so similar that way. I am a people pleaser, I am the person who people go to when they have problems, so being on the flipside of that where I was constantly needing attention and people to take care of me and people to do things for me was awful. Particularly because I felt like I didn’t deserve it. I was feeling like the worst version of myself and also getting an immense amount of support from my support systems.
It just seemed like those two things shouldn’t be happening at the same time, so I did exactly what you did. I built up a whole bunch of walls. I completely stopped emotionally connecting to the people in my life and just was going through the motions. I was an empty shell of a person walking through my world and I was showing people what I thought they wanted to see, which was me as normal as possible.
I ran the same risk that you did, where I was deeply considering committing suicide like I wanted to at one point take all of the knives and prescriptions out of our house because I was so afraid that I would get to a dark place and do something that I would regret. I remember going to one of my check ins with my doctor and she asked how I was doing and I was like, “You know, I am not doing great but I am doing okay.”
She asked if I have been thinking of suicide and I lied to her and that I told her that I wasn’t and I drove to work that day and I broke down sobbing in the car and I called my husband and I said, “I just lied to the person whose job it is to help keep me alive.” I’m the last stop. If I can’t keep myself from doing this, if I am not sharing the information that needs to be shared, no one can possibly help me and if I am lying to the people in my life about what I’m considering, there is no way I am going to get out of this.
At that point, that’s when I decided to go on antidepressants. I was seeing a neuropsychologist. I was seeing my counselor. I had a boatload of tools in my toolbox and just nothing was taking the edge off and I do think for some people that going on medication is something they shouldn’t be ashamed of and it was hard for me to get past that stigma for a little while but I am glad that I did because I think it saved my life.
[0:30:09.4] BP: Yeah. There is absolutely no problem with going on medication for mental health. It really is your health still and there is a lot of stigma like you said but it is something that is going to help you and if it is going to help you want to be here, then it is worth it and I think that is really important. Something else you mentioned and something else I like to tell people, it is a good idea if you are mentally ill and you are really struggling, and I’ve been there, sometimes one thing you can actually do is give someone else in your family your meds.
If you had your med weeks, like I have those pill containers, you could have someone else hold your medication and then when you do need them, you can meet up with them and maybe that makes you feel safer and then maybe that is also the person that you reach out to when you are struggling. They will understand. They are going to help you. That is the other thing I never thought about.
I never thought anyone else would understand until I started talking about this more openly. I didn’t realize that almost everyone I knew has dealt with mental health or mental illness in some way. iT was them or someone else but they get it a lot more than you think they do and just to kind of change the conversation a little bit, how are you doing now? It’s been a few years since your injury. You said you were considering going back to work, so how are you doing?
[0:31:36.2] JM: I am doing really well. Honestly, I am doing better than I ever thought was possible and I am just so grateful for that and filled with so much hope for the future. You know, we want to start a family and we’ve been on a five year derailment from that as part of our dream and our future because of my concussions.
To feel, for the most part, most of the time, stable enough to be able to be the caretaker for another human being is a place that I never imagined that I could be and a big part of that like you said is support systems. I have phenomenal humans in my life, and pets. I mean, I’m just surrounded by amazing family and friends and like you, when I started to speak out about what I was going through, I mean whether you believe in God or fate or whatever, He brought people into my life who were going through similar things and if I can encourage anyone to do anything, it’s to find somebody who has a concussion or post-concussion syndrome.
I have two women, Ellen and Tessie, who both, during my five year stint of having concussions have also had concussions and struggled. I think no matter how much validation you can get from your support systems, being seen and heard by someone who knows what it’s been like to walk through it is cathartic and just lifts an enormous weight off your shoulders to not be alone in that.
I think that a huge part of being able to get better was having people I could use as a sounding board. And I think the resources that you provide and there’s other people online who also provide concussion resources that I’ve found through Instagram or Concussion Legacy Foundation, almost having a mentorship or just a community of people who struggle with what you struggle with I think is very important.
An AA for people who have concussions, you know what I mean? Weekly meetings and spill your guts and I think that is so important. I’m doing so much better, I am really optimistic about the future and I just hope people have faith if they can get there, they were many times when I was told that this could be forever and this could be as good as it gets and I’m really grateful that I persevered and I continue to do my own research and find people who could continue to help me on this journey.
I recently went to a brain rehab clinic in Utah, which is the state south of us. He was recommended to me by a friend that had she not told me, I never would have known and I’m doing better after a week-long intensive with him than I had been anytime during the past five years. So, just keep going. It absolutely will get better, it’s hard to imagine at times but just try and find that faith that you’re going to make it and you’re going to come out the other side and be able to be a resource and a tool and an inspiration for people who really need it. I think that is huge, whether or not people decide to be vocal about their experiences.
[0:35:18.1] BP: Yeah, it really is your choice. I like to say it’s really important to share your story but if you asked me four years ago, I would have slammed the door right in your face. It definitely takes time but you’ve given so much great advice. I do have to ask, because I always like to ask if there’s anything else you would like to add before ending today’s episode?
[0:35:43.1] JM: I just hope people know that they are not alone and reach out to somebody, take that step into being vulnerable and afraid and tell people you need help because they want to help and that is so important. People can’t be there for you if you won’t open up and getting to a place where you can even express part of your experience is really important.
I am very well educated. People in my family are doctors, nurses, PAs, people who have had higher education and they had no idea the extent of what I was going through because I refused to be honest about it. I just really urge people to believe that they’re going to get better and to find people and resources to support them because they’re out there.
[0:36:36.5] BP: It’s so important to take away the smile once in a while because we’re really good at hiding everything behind it but I just want to thank you so much for joining us today, and yourself for being so vulnerable and sharing your story post-concussion.
[0:36:52.3] JM: Thank you.
[END OF INTERVIEW]
[0:36:53.7] BP: Has your life been affected by concussions? Join our podcast by getting in touch. Thank you so much for listening to The Post Concussion Podcast and be sure to help us educate the world about the reality of concussion by giving us a share and to learn more, don’t forget to subscribe.
OTHER CONTENT YOU MAY LIKE
