Unseen Struggles of PCS with Mac Lawson
Show Notes:
Mac Lawson, a former gymnast now standing tall in the world of comedy, who unravels her battle with this invisible ailment that dominated her daily life. Mac's breathtaking transparency about her journey will leave you spellbound as she recounts experiencing unexplained episodes of crying and a relentless state of déjà vu. Imagine feeling fine on the outside but constantly battling a whirlwind of debilitating symptoms within, that's the world Mac found herself in.
As we journey further into this life-altering condition, Mac reveals the coping mechanisms that have helped her navigate post concussion syndrome without letting it eclipse her Type A personality. Struggling with a sense of isolation and misunderstanding, Mac found solace in humor and online venting, a cathartic release that eventually crystalized her dream of becoming a comedian. Bella share's her trials of grappling with this syndrome, a journey that led me down the path of self-discovery and purpose. Hear about the importance of self-compassion, self-care, and just how pivotal a supportive network can be during the recovery process.
Follow Mac on IG @bigmaclawson
Check out Mac's website: https://www.bigmaclawson.com/
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Bella Paige
Host
00:03
Hi everyone. I'm your host, Bella Paige, and after suffering from post concussion syndrome for years, it was time to do something about it. So welcome to The Post Concussion Podcast, where we dig deep into life when it doesn't go back to normal. Be sure to share the podcast and join our support network, Concussion Connect. Let's make this invisible injury become visible.
00:29
The Post Concussion Podcast is strictly an information podcast about concussions and post concussion syndrome. It does not provide nor substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or another qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have heard on this podcast. The opinions expressed in this podcast are simply intended to spark discussion about concussions and post concussion syndrome. Do you feel constantly overwhelmed by your concussion symptoms and life changes? This is where Wombat. WOMBAT can help you, a new breathwork and somatic therapy app powered by neuroscience. It slows down those racing thoughts and gives ourselves the ability to breathe. Wombat is designed with an understanding of the impact of trauma on individuals, ensuring a safe and supportive environment for users dealing with stress, anxiety or post traumatic experiences. Go to their website today at hellowombatcom.
01:39
Welcome to episode number 107 of the post concussion podcast with my self-built page and today's guest, Mac Lawson. Mac is a former gymnast, turn comedian. She enjoys learning new things like jujitsu, playing the violin and piano. Today, mack shares her story of turning the bad into something good. Welcome to the show, mack. Hi, i'm excited. So to start, do you want to tell us a little bit about your concussion experience?
Mac Lawson
Guest
02:07
Yeah, one of the reasons why I wanted to come on here is because I've made pretty much a full recovery and so I like talking about my experience because I think that it could help people. My brain injury I had, post concussion syndrome. It was just bad enough that it crippled my everyday life, but it wasn't so bad that I couldn't function. And a lot of people have concussions like this and brain injuries like this, where you appear to be fine but the symptoms are actually very crippling, and I found that especially challenging in my day to day life.
Bella Paige
Host
02:44
That's amazing, because it goes from so like everything is okay to everything is not okay, and then trying to understand why all those types of things as well. So, after your concussion, what type of symptoms and things did you experience?
Mac Lawson
Guest
02:59
The first, like the first six months, i originally went to the hospital and for the first they told me I had a concussion and I had had a lot of concussions before, so I didn't really think anything of it. They actually recommended that I stay in the hospital for a few days and I was like no, get me out of here, i'm fine, it's just a concussion. I grew up doing gymnastics. I had plenty of concussions growing up, but the next day after I got the injury I remember having a hard time being outside and just crying a lot, crying over nothing and just kind of feeling incapable of rational thought. And then for the weeks and months to come, i remember feeling like a child. I still remembered how to do things, but it felt like I was living in like a five year old's brain.
03:52
Another thing that would happen is I would meet people again and again, and again, and I would have no recollection of the first time meeting them. So for the first, i would say almost six months, i was living with a lot of crazy symptoms and it wasn't until I, like, very lightly bumped my head again and had to go to the ER because I had a seizure. Well, i peed on myself. I didn't have a full seizure, like I didn't convulse, but I lost control of my bladder, and that's never happened to me before And so I ended up going to the ER and that's when the doctor told me hey, you have post-concussion syndrome. This is very serious, and things started to make a lot more sense to me at that point, because I didn't know what was wrong with me before that.
04:35
One really weird symptom that I had that not a lot of people maybe talk about is deja vu. I've realized once I started joining certain support groups that it's actually very common, but I was having deja vu like 150 times a day. I would be sitting here like I'm sitting here with you, and I would feel like I was dreaming. I would know that I wasn't dreaming, so I thought that I knew I wasn't crazy, but I felt crazy. I was afraid to tell people what was going on with me because I didn't want people to think I was crazy.
05:07
And really there were a lot of people who did think I was crazy that I did tell, and so it just caused me to kind of like stuff, these very serious symptoms that I was experiencing, down and down and down and down and down until I realized that these were all common, like things that happen after you sustained a serious brain injury. At one point thought that I was maybe schizophrenic, but before I got diagnosed and so I was really afraid to go to a doctor because I would just be sitting here like feeling like I was dreaming and I would be like this is insane. I sound like a crazy person, So yeah, Yeah, you're not crazy, thank you.
05:52
Well, maybe a little, but in a different way.
Bella Paige
Host
05:55
I definitely understand that a lot of people do feel that way. I like how you mentioned the gymnastics thing. Actually that just came out in the news from a recent study about I just shared it on concussion connect about how a gymnast actually has like a higher percentage of concussions. It's almost like 50% higher than football players. Oh yeah, how many concussions they do get. So it's like we're aware of it, but I don't think it's been like accurately measured before And now it has of more like how risky the sport is And it just shows that like there's so many sports we don't think of all the time. People think football, people think hockey, but they forget the rest.
Mac Lawson
Guest
06:33
One of the things that you constantly do is like when you're training, you'll you'll land on a soft mat, but you'll flip and land on your back on a soft mat And every single time you're landing on the soft mat you're wouldn't head back. So I had experienced serious concussions from gymnastics and never really had the symptoms like I did with this one. But this one was. This one was a physical attack, so it was a little more serious. So I think that's why the symptoms were so much worse.
07:03
But I think you know, one of the things that was the most serious and like overwhelming feeling for me is is the loss of self, and it was so unexplained because I didn't know I had post concussion syndrome. I didn't know why I felt that way And it caused me to have a lot of really serious thoughts of suicide, because you don't know what's going on with you And you don't know why you feel this way and everyone's calling you, you know, emotional or unstable or what's wrong with you or why you acting this way, and it's very isolating and very depressing.
Bella Paige
Host
07:41
It really is. I do. You mentioned like the crying before. I would just be like balling And my partner would look at me and he's like this is just how it works. Now I was like get pretty much like I'm just like sitting there crying And the deja vu that you mentioned. I had a lot of memory issues and I never really thought of the term deja vu at the time. It was more just like I didn't know what I was doing or I kind of was like where am I Or what am I? You know I'd had those moments and they beat throughout the day.
08:12
It is definitely something people don't talk about. I don't think many people have really mentioned it on the show before, but I'm sure it's something a lot of people do deal with. Is that like OK, wait, what was I doing? or where was I? Or you know like I was here but I'm not here, and like those kinds of feelings? And when you don't know what's happening to you, when you don't have like a diagnosis or you don't have any, like you know, idea, it can be really scary And that is where a lot of those fears can set in and those bad thoughts, because it's like what is happening to me. You know this isn't who I am.
Mac Lawson
Guest
08:46
I don't cry all the time you know all these things And you start to feel mad at yourself because I'm an achiever, i've always been an achiever my whole life And so that put me in a place where I couldn't achieve. So after my diagnosis it was still depressing. But before my diagnosis it was equally more depressing because I couldn't achieve and I didn't know why, and so my self-worth went super low. And I think one of the reasons why I had so much deja vu is because for those initial six months before I got properly diagnosed which is my own fault, by the way, because I left the hospital Take care of your brains But I was doing everything as if I was normal And I was just pushing and pushing.
09:25
You know, i was a gymnast growing up, i was just used. Ok, it hurts, keep going. So because I was pushing my brain like that, i think it was just giving out on me a lot. It was just. I think that's kind of what the deja vu was. It just couldn't get up with itself. But one thing that this really did teach me is self-care, and I think that's one positive thing that can come out of this for anybody who's suffering is you learn to listen to yourself and take care of yourself.
Bella Paige
Host
09:52
You have to.
Mac Lawson
Guest
09:53
Or else?
Bella Paige
Host
09:55
Yeah, I know you really do, So you did mention that you're doing better. Now What did you try like therapy-wise, treatment-wise, what helped you get there?
Mac Lawson
Guest
10:09
So I didn't have access to health insurance and stuff like that. So, and because of the injury, i wasn't really able to work Like I was barely making ends meet. But once I got diagnosed, i listened to everything that the doctor said at the ER. I did a lot of research online about the brain And I started to. I knew a lot about the brain before, but I started to really dive kind of deep And one of the main things that I changed was what thoughts I allowed to marinate and what thoughts I didn't.
10:43
So if I had say a forgetful moment, i wouldn't get mad at myself. I would say I would tell my brain Sounds kind of silly, but I would tell my brain hey, you can do better next time. You see that you forgot this. Let's work on not forgetting this next time. What could we have done to not forget this? And so little things like that.
11:05
And also visualization was a huge thing for me, especially when I was in the darkest time where I felt I had no control over what was going on in my brain. I would visualize myself pre-entry, especially days that I couldn't really do anything. Maybe I'd just be laying in my room or whatever. That was extremely helpful. I only had about three, four hours a day that I would go in the sun And I would try my best to maintain some level of normalcy. Is that a word, normalcy? Yeah, ok, i'm going to blame that on the brain injury. That's a good excuse now. But yeah, i would just and not too much, but enough where I knew that if I just I had to find a balance between keeping myself in a little hole and also pushing my brain a little bit, and I think I would push myself 60% of the time, and then 40% of the time I would rest, and so that way my brain was getting a little bit better every day.
12:11
But unfortunately, healing your brain is a very slow climb. There's no quick way to it. It's a little piece by little piece, every single day. And one day you wake up and you're like, oh my god, i haven't felt like this in years And I started to have those feelings about a year and a half ago. And once I will say once one little thing feels better, it actually is a snowball effect. Then, once you get to the point where you're starting to feel better, then it's a snowball effect. You wake up, like how I do now, and I'm like oh, i feel great, i have energy, i can go to the gym, i can go out in the sun And I would say I'm pretty normal now.
Bella Paige
Host
12:53
Yeah, no, i think that's great And I like how you kind of mentioned the talking to yourself. It is actually a thing that they teach really for people to do.
Mac Lawson
Guest
13:02
I did a lot of googling. I was like I can't afford a doctor, but I know there's doctors online that talk about this stuff.
Bella Paige
Host
13:08
For sure, for sure. And yeah, we do have a lot of people like in Couch, and Connect is something that's very affordable because people need an outlet to help them when therapies and stuff Of course it's not a replacement for that, but sometimes just community can be really helpful, and so you have already mentioned kind of like the isolating and the sense of loss self and things like that. But we are going to take a quick break before we really get into that invisible aspect of all of this. Ok, sounds good. Cognitive FX is a research-driven clinic that has successfully treated thousands of patients who have long-lasting symptoms from concussions or other brain related injuries. Cognitive FX has an innovative approach to recovery that uses an advanced fMRI scan to map the function in your brain. Treatment at Cognitive FX takes five days to complete and uses your fMRI scan as a guide and baseline to ensure that your treatment is personalized and effective. This means that you won't need to schedule and keep track of multiple specialists, locations, dates, times or therapies, because it will all be prepared for you when you arrive. Once you've completed their treatment, you receive a personalized at home plan to continue your recovery and gain access to their online patient portal that has instructional videos and resources for your continued recovery Conveniently. Cognitivefx also offers free consultation, so both you and the doctors can ensure that treatment is a good choice for you and your injury. Visit their website at CognitiveFXUSAcom. Don't delay your recovery any longer. Find solutions at CognitiveFX today.
14:49
Welcome back to the post-concussion podcast with myself, Bella Paige and today's guest, Mac Lawson. So we kind of, before the break, kind of threw in. The emotional part of all this, and kind of big thing for women, i find, is that women get written off as like, oh, it's just stress. Are you sure you're not making it worse? Like you know those types of things I would get asked a lot. You know, even when I was younger and I think the older you get, the more you'd get those kind of comments Like I was a teenager when this started but I could see as like a young adult or as an adult, people would really be like you're just you know, being emotional. You know that's not how it really is. So do you want to talk a little bit about your experience with the invisible aspect and kind of that loss of self that goes with it?
Mac Lawson
Guest
15:37
I think this was by far the most strenuous aspect of my injury, because once I figured out I had an injury, i treated it as if I had a broken leg. Okay, i'm going to take care of my leg. I'm going to do exercises until it's better. It might take some time, but this is where I am. But the most difficult thing for me is I am a type A personality. I'm very organized, i'm a hard worker. I'm actually I work too hard, i'll work myself to the point of exhaustion.
16:11
And so when I got my concussion, it turned me into somebody else who I hadn't been since I was a child Like. I felt like a child again That's the best way to describe it, because I really had no grip on what was going on in my brain, which meant that I had no grip on what was going on in my life And I was aware of it. And so a lot of people around me who lacked empathy or maybe just didn't take the time to understand, just you know, why are you, you know, so emotional? And I had a breakup go on at the same time of my injury, and so a lot of people just were like, oh, she just, you know, she just can't get over the boy and like all of this, and I was struggling with that as well. But there was something much more serious going on with me, that kind of amplified that. And I think it's super challenging because you can't like if I had had a brain injury and it resulted in like my arm not working all the way or my legs not working all the way or me not being able to speak, i think I would have gotten the sympathy that I deserve. But because I was able to walk and talk, even though my brain injury was very serious, the symptoms that I was experiencing because I didn't come off like things were wrong There was a lot of really, really harsh criticism which made it 10 times worse.
17:42
I lost a lot of friends during that time And I lost most of my friends because they were used to me. A lot of them were around me for the wrong reasons. They were used to me being fun and outgoing and oh what. And Mac just did this and she just traveled across the country and you know she's hanging out with celebrities, she lives in LA, so people wanted to be around me And then, once I became boring, i guess you could say, and emotional and depressed. It was very hard for those same people to want to be around me And, like I said, a lot of people just wrote it off as like she can't get over her breakup.
18:18
That was the worst part. But there are good things, obviously, that come with that, because I think it's something that a lot of people, especially women, but I think men have it in a different way, because men don't even feel like they can show that And I think that's why you see, a lot of these football players have serious, serious, serious issues, some of them with suicide and stuff like that, because they don't even feel like they can express it. At least I felt like I could express it. Yeah, was I called a crybaby or whatever, but at least I could express it. But that's really why I like to talk about my injury. It's not because I'm trying to dwell or stay there. It's because I remember how isolating it was at that time before I found a community, and that was the worst part of it.
Bella Paige
Host
19:04
It makes you question yourself a lot when you're going through all this and it makes it like you're already trying to understand something that you don't understand. It's very hard to understand something that you can't see.
Mac Lawson
Guest
19:16
It's like you start to gaslight yourself. You're like, wait, wait, wait, wait And maybe, and then. And then you're like, let me just fix it. And then you and you can't fix it. You can't like. Now, at this point in my life, i've gotten back to the real me. Like I have a type pack schedule. I'm able to handle multiple tasks a day. I'm achieving, i'm doing things, and my friends who didn't know me before Oh, you're doing so well in life. And it's like no, this is just how I do life. You guys just met me at a time where I was suffering from a brain injury Like that, go through your head A brain injury. My brain wasn't working.
Bella Paige
Host
19:53
It's definitely really tough for people to understand. So You've definitely gone through. You know the emotional challenges and all those things. How did you turn it around? Because I know comedy is a huge part of your life now. Yeah, so do you want to talk a little bit about?
Mac Lawson
Guest
20:09
all that, yeah. So I think I hope I don't get emotional because that would be embarrassing after, especially after just talking about how tough I am. When I was a kid I really liked to make my own movies and like do my own, like talk shows, and I would film them. And I think growing up I didn't really have the confidence to say, oh, i want to be a Santa Comedian. I just didn't really. I would have gotten like some sort of imposter syndrome.
20:37
But there was a point at my lowest during my brain injury where I would just go on the internet and vent because I was depressed, i was going through this impossible thing. I felt abandoned, lonely, and I would go on the internet and that would just vent and be funny And that was my way of coping as much as I could. And a lot of people pushed me to do Santa Comedie And I think the reason why I know the reason why I had the guts to do it, is because I was at that low place in my life. It's like, well, what am I going to lose? I can't lose anything anymore. I'm already depressed and broke and lonely and confused I've ever been in my life. So let me just do this. So I did it and it was like first night I got off stage I had this eureka moment. This is what I've wanted to do since I was a kid. I used to impersonate Chelsea Handler as a kid in my bedroom And so I didn't even realize that Santa Comedians were. Some of my favorite actors and public figures were Santa Comedians, so it was a really cool like way that things came together for me, sort of on accident. It's been challenging, mainly because of the memory issues. It's very hard for me at first to remember my set, yeah, but it's actually been good for me because I kind of use it as like a practice thing for my brain, i guess you know. So, yeah, it's just.
22:03
I think that, like, not everyone's story is going to be that story. Everyone's going to have a different story. But I think there are a lot of moments This is the main thing that I want to say there are a lot of moments, a lot where I wanted to die, and that's why I said I'm going to get emotional, because it was just the darkest time of my entire life, because it took me a long time to find people that understood the loneliness and isolation. And even if you find people that do understand it, they still don't quite get it unless they went through it. There were a lot of times where I could have decided to give up and I didn't. And I'm doing very well, like I'm on my way up as a comedian And this is five years later and it took a lot of blood, sweat and tears not to be a good comedian but well, that too but to get through the brain injury, and it took a lot of guts to wake up and push myself through when I didn't want to, and I'm so happy that I did, because so many things turned around and things will turn around if you don't give up.
23:14
And that's the main thing that I want to tell people that are going through that, because your brain has no plasticine. It can remake those connections, but you have to stay optimistic and you have to have a plan and you have to take care of yourself, you know.
Bella Paige
Host
23:30
It's very real And I appreciate you sharing a lot of that, because it's how a lot of people feel, and you mentioned finding people that understand it. That was something that I had a really hard time with And that is why I even started all this. That's so awesome. I wanted to create, as I always say, everything that I needed when I was going through this, and it wasn't the doctors and all that. I did need them, but I needed people who got it And I needed people to vent to. And that's what's great about Concussion Connect, where people are just like, because we have support group twice a week too, and people will just be like can I just vent for a second? And it's, yes, it's healthy.
24:11
It's good to get it out and to vent, where you have a bunch of people that understand that, aren't going to be like, oh you're crazy or what are you even talking about, and I love that. You know your story turned around into something like a career as well and something you know that you're meant to do, and it's definitely a hard road to get there and a lot of people miss that road. You know a lot of people, even for myself. They see like, oh, you're doing so well, you know you help all these people. I did a really big talk the other week and one of the comments was you're so mature for your age And how do you know so much? And I was like you know what really helps being sick for 10 years?
Mac Lawson
Guest
24:48
Yeah.
Bella Paige
Host
24:49
And they just kind of like looked at me and I'm like it's true, though, that's like I'm like this because I struggled. And they're like, oh, i'm like I'm not saying I wouldn't have been like this, but I kind of doubt it. You know, they kind of like don't understand. It's like I went through a lot to become this person And I'm not saying you have to go through a lot to become that person. But sometimes people miss the like in between, like your comedian It's great, people love it, but sometimes they miss the journey that actually took you to get there.
Mac Lawson
Guest
25:20
And I think you know to anybody who's listening to this that is struggling and does feel alone. I think it really helps to see yourself and somebody else and what they're going through, to feel less alone. That really helps, especially with the day job view, And because that that's what made me feel the craziest. I think what I would say to them is you know you could be at the lowest of low, but what you don't see is, at that lowest of low, what is being set up for you later on. So don't give up, and your brain is listening to you, right. So you can't control all of your thoughts, but the ones that you can.
26:00
try to make them as nice as you possibly can to yourself. You have to be kind to yourself. You know whether that means today I'm not going to do anything, I'm going to go take a bath and I'm going to lay in bed and listen to music. That's what you need. That's what finds the space for you to do that for yourself, because that makes those little days make the biggest difference in the long run. And I still have days where I mean I would say that I'm better, but there are days where certain symptoms still do come up and I listen to myself at that point.
Bella Paige
Host
26:30
So we've talked about a lot, from how you got injured, your symptoms, the invisible aspect of all this and really finding a community, and then you know a life, a different life than you might have had before, and so I really want to thank you for being vulnerable, but is there anything else you would like to add before we end today's episode?
Mac Lawson
Guest
26:51
Yeah, i just started something super exciting like two weeks ago. There's a lot more to my concussion story than what I shared, but I'm actually writing a script that we will be pitching to either Amazon Prime, hulu, netflix to hopefully bring more awareness to this, and it's a cool story. Well, it's an entertaining story. It's not a cool story And you know, i just like to say to anybody out there that's struggling, like I said, just it gets better, just keep your faith, take care of yourself and baby steps.
Bella Paige
Host
27:28
So yeah, that is super exciting And I want to thank you so much for joining us today and sharing some of your life post-concussion. Thank you so much. Need more than just this podcast. Be sure to check out our website, postconcussioninccom, to see how we can help you in your post-concussion life, from a support network to one-on-one coaching. I believe life can get better because I've lived through it. Make sure you take it one day at a time.
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